When I was younger I thought I knew it all. And from this wrongful perspective I tried to navigate myself and others through life. I was so focused on other people and how they would be able to succeed in life according to my humble opinion that at times it felt super frustrating that people didn’t want to listen to me. Now that I’m older, I’m really happy they didn’t, or at least, most of the time.
I was raised in a household of trust. My mother never really got angry at me for trying out life and I was fortunate to share my whole life story with her without her restricting me after. She just let me be most of the time and it made her feel more like a friend to me. As she trusted me, I trusted her.
I remember a time when we had a family dinner in my mother’s kitchen. My nieces were younger back then and I took the role of aunt very seriously.
On the menu that evening was my mother’s chicory oven dish and even though I hate my mother’s chicory dish I still felt that it was up to me to train my niece.
She didn’t want to take a bite and she was quite adamant about it. So I decided to force her. I forced her to take a bite of something that she thought was revolting, only because I thought it would be better for her in the long run. But the chicory backfired. I pressured my niece and it literally made her vomit all over her plate.
I was horrified. Not because my niece threw up all over her plate, but because she loved and trusted me so much that she would even vomit for the sake of some stupid lesson that I was trying to teach her.
It made me feel sick. Sick of myself. The last thing I wanted was for my niece to feel sick. Why was I pressuring her so much? Why couldn’t I just let her be? There are many types of food that I don’t like so why did I expect her to eat something so disgusting to her?
It made me feel like a terrible person and looking back at it now, it made an impact on me and how I navigate through life. After this situation I have never pressured anyone into eating anything they don’t want, but the lesson went deeper.
Later in life I noticed that nobody really listens to anybody unless they really want to. And the same goes for me. I will only take your advice if it rings true for me. And then, only after I choose to take your advice, it will still be me who makes a change in my life. So why is it that we think we can guide people and why do we try it so hard?
Whenever we feel protective or responsible for another person, we tend to wish them our own truth, our own perspective.
This is all done out of our best intentions of course, but it doesn’t really seem to do anything to the other person unless they want it to.
Years after the chicory incident I deepened my lesson in another relationship, a stepdaughter. She came in my life during a time of hardship and the overwhelming feelings of responsibility and protection in me wanted to steer her so badly. My old self wanted to be angry at her, restrict her in her ways and my mind was filled with old patterns of distrust.
But this time around it felt uncomfortable. My thoughts and feelings did not match.
I decided to trust my gut and instead of getting mad I vowed to trust her in the way that my mother trusted me. To trust her path and her ability to navigate her own life. With me, by her side, listening. Instead of pushing her away, together we created a profound friendship in which we can share our deepest secrets and feelings.
This past month I was lucky enough to receive a visit from my stepdaughter and my nieces in one night. We had lots of fun and banter. It made me feel complete having all the girls together and I realized that I had learnt so much from them. I shared my process of building this website with them (as I am now in the midst of building it as I am writing this story) and they were very supporting of my new journey.
When I walked to the beach with my nieces, later that week, my niece brought up the chicory incident. She thought it would be a good topic for my blog. And here it is.
The chicory incident ignited a lesson that would spiral back to me later in life.
It seemed like a small event at the time, but it was a catalyst for a deeper lesson in trust.
Everybody has their own journey and it is not up to us to judge. If I were to tell you my life story, you would probably be shocked by all my heartbreaking moments. But all my poor decision-making has led me here and I needed all these little incidents to gain insights on the things that matter the most.
“Cause I’ve been loving you for such a long time, baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
‘Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me.”
John Hiatt
