An inner circle, a concept that indicates your close friends. Quite a logical concept and you would think it needs no further explanation, but for some people, people like me, a concept is more easily understood by painting a certain picture around it.
For me, it wasn’t until my group therapy sessions in my early thirties that I first began grasping this concept fully.
Before these days I had probably used this phrase many times but it didn’t contain any deeper meaning. I wasn’t able to fully experience or sense if you might the meaning behind these two words and with it, the importance of it all.
Anyone that had a regular spot in my life instantly deserved the title “friend”. I never thought about it, it was just the situation as it was. “He is my friend, she is my friend”, but were they really? Words are strong and they set your intention for the future and thus I was holding many people closer than they actually ought to be.
During my group therapy sessions at PsyQ we discussed this theme and the additional assignment linked to it was fairly easy:
1. Draw circles surrounding each other.
2. Write down all the people you know, but place them somewhere in the circles as you value these people.
I’ll be honest, all the names I listed that day did not fit into the circles on my A4 paper. So many people I knew held significant importance to me. The list was long and I decided to write down all the names on the back of the paper and instead of writing them into the circles I started ranking them from 1 (very important) to 5 (less important).
Very soon it became clear to me that I needed to set my priorities straight. What kind of person can entertain so many “close friends”? At the time of this group session I was tired of life, exhausted really. All of the sudden having many friends didn’t seem like a treasure to me, it seemed more of a burden.
During this time I started to understand that only a few people are meant to reach your inner circle. People who are deserving of this spot, people who add value to your life (and no, I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about people who do not drain you and wish the best for you as you do for them).
For the first time in my life I was actually aware of this peculiar situation that I had created that cost me loads of energy with little to show for it in return. Not only did I spend far too much of my energy on the wrong people, it automatically implied that I spent far too little of my energy on the people that matter the most.
This realization physically hurt me.
I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the people that do not belong to my inner circle, I am only suggesting that awareness on this matter creates space for genuine energy to flow where it should, where you actually want it to flow.
And of course, even though the realization was sudden and immediate, the lesson is taking me much longer than this. As I am writing this in my forties, a decade later, I am still recovering from wrongfully sent energy and poor decision-making when it concerns my inner circle.
I am an enthusiastic person and I noticed that I get carried away when I’m in some sort of energy rush. For instance when we go out and I chat with people, I tell them all about my life and how I feel about certain topics without ever testing whether or not it is the right thing to do for me. Before I know it, I get manipulated into relationships that are not deserving of my precious time (mind you, all time is precious to me!). I spend way too much time entertaining people and trying to make other people feel seen and heard and it is only later that I realize that these situations drain me completely. All of the sudden someone from an outer circle (or someone that shouldn’t even be able to touch any of my circles) becomes a prominent figure in my life, only for me to feel robbed of my energy.
So for me this lesson doesn’t just demonstrate my inner circle, it teaches me about my energy flow, about awareness concerning the people around me and about valuing these people the way that I should.
It teaches me why it is important to be constantly aware of manipulation tactics. Honestly, many people have been easily able to manipulate me all throughout my life and if this resonates with you it might be time for you to draw your circles. Below you can find a visualization of this exercise. An exercise that can add value to your life, because once you begin to question your circles and the people in it, you grant yourself authentic relationships, in my opinion a huge step in my journey to self-love and acceptance of who I am.
Instead of circles I decided to draw hearts because in reality, it is all about the people who you let into your heart.
These days I try to be more mindful of whom I let into my life and for me it has gotten much easier to turn people away. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever and that’s okay too. Setting healthy boundaries and creating awareness (especially when meeting new people) builds a type of fence that can help you guard your heart.
Protect your heart, protect your peace.
“You are the CEO of your life. Hire, fire and promote accordingly.”
Unknown
