Growing up I used to think I knew it all. Besides having an above average vocabulary I knew all sorts of things about all sorts of themes. I was doing good in school, even though I couldn’t care less about it. I often skipped lessons and still made it to the point where I reached university.
I thought I was intelligent, I thought I was reasonably smart. But was I really?
When I was 31 years old, my world collapsed. No longer able to speak, I was consumed by my own thoughts. By that time it had cost me so much energy that I skipped all activities besides working. I needed my job to pay for my bills and it was the only thing keeping me going. At that time I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me other than that I just wanted to lay in bed and cry the day away. The doctor gave me pills and I started therapy. Soon enough I began to understand what was really going on.
I was not smart, I was not intelligent. I was trained to be a part of the system. It was the only thing I was good at. Trained to listen to people around me instead of listening to my own body and feelings, viciously ignoring all the alarm bells ringing in my head for so long. Even though on paper my life seemed fine – I had my own apartment, a decent job, a great social circle etc. -, I had no idea who I was and what I wanted from life.
I found myself on someone else’s path, trying to live by someone else’s ideals.
What I am trying to say is that we can all make an effort in getting to know ourselves. It would save everyone heaps of trouble. Once you get to know yourself, you can live authentically. You can be just for yourself and for others around you.
You will no longer lie to get yourself out of situations you got yourself into in the first place. You will no longer smile when you really want to cry and you will no longer ignore alarm bells ringing for your own good. You will appreciate the choices you make and enjoy activities you signed up for, because you actually want to do them.
How do you know that you do not know yourself?
Of course for everyone this experience is different. You might not notice that you do not actually know yourself. It can be hidden in the little things, but the first place you will notice it, is in your thoughts. It doesn’t mean you don’t function in life anymore, it means you are making life harder for yourself.
So what are the signs? There are many, but here are some examples:
- You blame other people for things going wrong in your life. You may hold on to grudges, not wanting to forgive people,
- You can say yes to engagements you don’t really want to participate in,
- You can think random ugly thoughts about people you love,
- You can think random ugly thoughts about people you don’t even know,
- Your thoughts can repeat in your mind without you wanting it,
- You may be a daydreamer, getting lost in a world outside our daily lives,
- You may not make your bed and open your curtains,
- You may skip activities because you feel too mentally tired.
The list goes on and on but if you recognize one of these signs, it might be time for you to dig deeper. The first and last thing you need to learn, is that nobody else is responsible for your happiness but you. You can wait all your life for someone to apologize to you in order to be happy but I can tell you that that day is never going to come.
You can change the way you think and be happy now.
You don’t have to wait for anyone else.
How you do this is completely up to you. I can tell you to start meditating, but if you are reluctant, chances are it will not make you happy now.
Ask yourself what does feel good to you? What can you do for yourself that will make your world one bit lighter right now? What will be your first step, a step that feels comfortable to you?
For me it started out with really simple steps, things I noticed that I didn’t give to myself, even though I intrinsically knew it would make me feel better.
I started reading self-help books, even if I could only read a page a day, I vowed to make an effort for myself, because it was clear to me that I didn’t understand life (why else would I be so unhappy?) and that other people might be able to help me change.
Then I promised myself to change my behavioral patterns one step at a time. Only after I had changed one thing I didn’t like about how I was leading my life, I picked up the next thing.
I read somewhere in a book that it takes approximately twenty one days to change a habit and that was my guideline. I started with thirty days per habit. Now looking back after several years, I can safely say I’ve changed my whole life around. And I can promise you, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Here is a list of most of the habits I changed and all the effort I made in getting to know myself throughout these couple of years to give you an idea of how you can change up your life for the better:
- I started opening my curtains in the morning,
- I started making my bed in the morning,
- I created a routine for my daily planning (getting up at a specific time and going to bed at a specific time, it took me some time before I changed from being a night owl to a day bird),
- I threw out garbage immediately after the bag was filled,
- I timed my cleaning activities in order to demonstrate to myself that they were only little tasks (cleaning my stove took me 2 minutes, really there was no reason anymore for me not to do it straight away),
- I started to store away my worn clothes every day (in the laundry or back in the closet),
- I started reading self-help books for a minimum of 10 pages a day,
- I hung up motivational quotes on the inside of my toilet door to remind me of what is possible in life,
- I went to see an astrologer who could tell me more about my personality,
- I started a creative hobby,
- I cleaned up my whole apartment, throwing away everything that wasn’t adding to my happiness,
- I created set spaces for items in my apartment so from then on it was easier to clean my house (instead of just moving things around),
- I started to take walks outside,
- I started to talk about my feelings with my close-ones,
- I started to create some headspace by meditating,
- I started to set boundaries, saying no to things I didn’t actually want to do,
- I looked into my parents past lives to understand their behavior towards us when we were young, and it is how I ended up forgiving them,
- I started to speak nice to myself when I looked in a mirror,
- I started to question negative thoughts in my mind,
- I started to work out on a weekly basis,
- I started to grant myself things I wouldn’t before (it is okay to want things for yourself from time to time),
- I started to write my gratitude in a book on a daily basis,
- I started to do unexpected things that scared me, just to see where they would lead me,
- I brought home a cat from the shelter, and it gave me unconditional love every day,
- I started to ask myself the questions “What am I feeling now and what do I need?” on a daily basis, instead of waiting for pain before seeing a doctor,
- I started to enjoy life again.
Over time I felt better, because everything I did or said was more sincere.
Now I’m doing more for me and there is nothing selfish about it.
When you do things in a genuine way, it makes you more real and that benefits everyone around you. Before I used to make all sorts of excuses when I didn’t want to go somewhere, but really they were just lies. Would you rather have someone lie to you or just tell you the truth as it is? I prefer the latter option, I prefer people to be authentic. And if you do so too, but you recognize yourself in this story, maybe it is time to step up for yourself. Grant yourself your authentic version, not the one created by other people’s expectations of you.
Does it mean I don’t do things for other people anymore? No, it does not, but no longer at my own expense. Why should I have to suffer in order to keep other people seemingly happy? It is quite simple, when a person is costing you more energy than they are giving you, you can choose to keep them on a distance. It will make your life easier and it might even make the other person think about the situation as well.
How I feel right now? I could tell you that my whole life is one big ball of happiness, but that wouldn’t be fair. What I can tell you is that I can appreciate each day, because each day I remind myself of my blessings. In my daily life I am surrounded by people I want to have around me, my conversations have become more profound and each day is a new chance to become a better version of myself. This journey will never end and knowing that feels like a blessing instead of a burden. I’m a curious person and I like to learn, especially when it encompasses an overall feeling of contentment. I no longer feel like a victim, I feel more in control. I can choose where I put my energy towards and choose to be grateful for my days. It has created a sense of calmness in my life that I could not have foreseen during my cloudy days. I have found a way to communicate about my difficulties with my partner. Whenever I get an error, we are able to discuss it without me feeling victimized and under attack, simply because I now see this as an opportunity to learn. I am living a life that I could not have imagined for myself, it is way better than I could have ever dreamed of.
If this isn’t happiness, then I don’t know what is.
“If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy.”
