“Know thyself” — a timeless phrase attributed to Socrates — teaches us that truth begins with self-awareness. So why is this so important? What happens when you get to know yourself and what does it all mean? These are some questions that greatly influenced the past decade for me and I will gladly share with you my insights.
Imagine if you will a girl growing up in constant struggle – that girl was me. From an early age struggle hit home hard and it made her create a different world, inside of her mind. A world where she could escape all the hardships life threw at her. The endurance of life itself became so hard for this girl that she instinctively started wearing masks in order to please others.
She thought pleasing others would make them happy and in turn, make her happy.
Even though some accomplishments gifted her with temporary highs, the whole experience of living a life according to other people’s wishes drained her slowly. All the while she thought she was doing it all for the people she loved, but it didn’t change anything for other people, all it did was wear her down.
This story is about me and at the end of my twenties I set a few goals for myself to become happy, to turn this situation around. I promised myself I would work really hard to obtain these goals. Even though these goals might seem simple to achieve, for me these were major goals. And when I turned 31 years of age, I had reached all these goals. I had reached all that was supposed to make me feel happy but happiness was not forthcoming and around my thirtieth birthday I collapsed. Poised with malignant thoughts and unable to sleep at night this helpful character of mine drove me down the path of insanity.
It was during these days that I decided to call a doctor and reach out for help. Not sleeping for five nights in a row left me unable to feel anything at all. It kickstarted the idea that I had no concept of how I could be of any help to my own situation. I felt useless and completely at the mercy of others. Nothing that I had achieved sparked any change in my way of feeling and thinking.
I was gifted an appointment with an astrologer by someone dear to me before but I never went due to setting wrong priorities.
It was only after I started this process that I realised that external people were able to hand me healing suggestions that were of benefit to my recovery. And thus I decided to give it a shot.
I took the train to Amsterdam and visited this astrologer and the only information this man had in his possession were my full name and my birth details. The appointment lasted for about an hour and a half and afterwards I felt so much lighter. This complete stranger seemed to know more about me than I did myself. Everything this man said to me about me landed as an inner knowing, it felt familiar as if I myself had been hiding this from me.
Up until that moment I had been doing everything for other people without realizing that it was all at my own cost. And then it hit me: I had lived entirely for others — and had never truly known myself. I repeat, I DID NOT KNOW MYSELF. I did not have the faintest idea of what would make me feel happy. I could not tell you why I was doing things the way that I did. I had turned myself into a sheep, blindly following other people’s opinions about how happiness is obtained and trying to live my life with their approval. It didn’t do anything for me, it just cost me mountains of energy until I was completely burnt out.
So I decided to turn my life around. I decided to give everything that I had questioned before a chance. I decided to give myself a chance. It was a bold decision as the first step I took in order to stand up for myself was quitting my law study at university. Obviously it shook the room.
My family was frightened by my new decision-making, I was stepping away from the crowd. I changed my behavior from being a sheep, to becoming the black sheep and I no longer cared what other people might think or say about it.
I hád to step away from the crowd. I had followed the crowd all my life and it led me to hell. So here I was, unhappy but feeling liberated at the same time. No longer stuck, following a completely new energy flow that I had never experienced in my life. I found out that not all people are the same. Not all people crave the same experiences in order to find happiness.
First I began changing my unhealthy habits, I started taking better care of myself. And in the midst of it all I found my creativity. I found that I am wired differently and that my brain and my soul crave deeper meaning in life. I found out I was not the type of person to study, work, have children and be happy about it.
I am the kind of person that experiences happiness by the process of getting to know myself. And by better understanding myself, I better understand others too. And it is exactly what I need. And all this time of being a sheep led me here. And that’s okay. Apparently I needed that too. Sometimes things have to go wrong in order for you to see. Sometimes wrongs lead to rights.
The past decade I have spent most of my passionate energy towards getting to know myself and others around me. I found out that I needed to teach myself concepts like saying no, setting healthy boundaries, seeing how I attract manipulation, understanding that my way of thinking and doing had led me to a place where I did not long to be.
I used every tool available to me, ranging from therapy and medication to alternative ways of healing, essential oils, meditation and yes, even drugs.
I needed to experience all these things in order for me to better understand my needs.
And I have never looked back. I know now that this is my life quest, the only thing that really matters to me.
As I have gotten to know myself better (mind you this process will take up the rest of my time until I die), I have slowly become softer-minded, kinder to myself and thus to others. I have found a deeper meaning of the verb love and am able to share this new version of love with others. I feel more in control, because I started listening to my body and intuition. I don’t experience feelings of guilt and shame as I used to. I let myself be myself. This new authentic version of me experiences life with a positive mindset, always trusting on things to work out for the better. No longer do I hold onto my emotions, no longer do I validate my own thoughts without inspection.
And yes, the road is still bumpy, but with self-knowledge as my compass, even the storms now point me toward the light.
“Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”
