This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Whether we like it or not we all have a memory bank full of stories. Some are good, some are bad, some get us all worked up. All these stories are like souvenirs from our past but we didn’t pick them up in a souvenir shop.
We didn’t choose to bring these souvenirs along for the whole ride.
They were stored by our past selves. We collected them during hard times or during exceptional days and stored them somewhere in our memory. And over and over again we teleport them into our now. But why?
There are moments where I can continuously think negative things about my partner, due to the fact that he triggered something in me by what he said or did (or didn’t do…). That is until the moment I become aware of the situation. The thing is, I don’t want to break up with my partner, nor do I want him or myself to have a shit day. So there is really no point in overthinking one single thing he did or said, simply because it will not make a difference in the long run.
Another example might be that I can condemn someone in my mind for doing something that does not meet my expectations. Expectations, silly things, because we really cannot control anyone but ourselves. But nonetheless we can be triggered by others and it happens too often.
So why does it cost us so much awareness to even notice these patterns in ourselves and others? Why do we ride out these evil waves in our minds? And why does it involve our loved ones in most cases? Why are we so tough on them? Why does it anger us and how can we release this nasty pattern?
I guess the problem is our state of mind during the collecting of these souvenirs. The problem is not the fact that we are collecting our souvenirs, but the fact that we store them with emotion.
We unconsciously tie actions to emotions and whenever these same emotions pop up in our lives, we get torpedoed back into our past.
We don’t even really notice it. We are not even aware that we are handling from the past. All of a sudden someone in our life can be judged by our past self and even though it might have nothing to do with our present, we utterly condemn them based on expired emotions.
Many people have written about the ‘now’. An example might be The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The now is all we have and yet we are dragging our whole existence in this now due to our emotions. So I started thinking about these situations and how I can release this pattern for myself.
One thing I noticed is that meditation actually benefits you in these cases. It creates a gap in which you can decide whether or not to believe your emotions and whether or not to let them overtake you. But meditation can be deterring for some. So another thing I did was really think about the people around me and whether or not I would want to take action regarding our bond.
Usually I don’t. I don’t want to break up with my partner, I don’t want to be mad at my sisters. I don’t want to hate a random stranger on the streets. In most cases there is no point for me to hold on to these emotions. All they are doing is ruining a perfectly fine day. And not just for me. I ruin other people’s days as well. Because when we act upon expired emotions we radiate this dark energy towards the people around us.
All of the sudden I get impatient and annoyed and I snap at the people close to me. And they don’t really know what’s going on. They are just experiencing their day, like me, but without my past emotions bothering them. Suddenly I can lash out and they won’t even know what hit them.
Before I even have the time to explain myself it hits me that there is really nothing to explain. How do you explain to someone that you are judging them based on leftover puberty emotions? How do you explain their single drop in your overflown bucket?
Maybe we should stop explaining. Maybe we should just stop. Just stop bowing down to these emotions. See them for what they are and then let them go. Go on with your day. And yet again, awareness can solve our situation. By being aware of the fact that you are acting out of outdated emotions you can disconnect from your past at any given moment. Once you disconnect yourself you can see clearly again. Now you can judge your situation with reason instead of with your past emotions.
Soon you will notice the actual situation. Perhaps the other person is feeling down and not acting like their normal self. Or maybe you are feeling down and judging the other person based on another reality. You can still acknowledge the part of you that has kept this souvenir, but you don’t have to let them decide your mood. You can actually be grateful for the fact that this old version of you is trying to protect you without instantly accepting their pain as your truth in this moment.
We can use these old emotions to forgive ourselves and others but we really need to let them go. Asap.
We need to trust on our own capabilities. We actually lived through these moments and these emotions. We made them our own and we survived.
Trusting in yourself and your capability to judge a situation is of the utmost importance. Because without these emotions, these stories are still imprinted in our memories. And we are perfectly capable of handling our now.
So let’s move ahead with trust in our own capabilities. Willing to release old emotions and to thank our little selves for warning us. We can use these emotions as guides, but we should use our reason for the final judgment.
Sometimes emotions can be so powerful and these souvenirs can be too dark to handle for us. If this is the case for you, meditation is my advice. Meditation offers a tool for you to overcome situations without reason. If you feel reluctant to meditate, I wrote a blog about it (read it here). It instantly transports you into the now and the now is really where you need to be.
Letting go does not mean forcing emotions away or pretending they are not there. It means recognizing that they belong to another moment in time. Awareness gives me the option to pause, to feel without acting, and to respond from who I am now — not from who I once had to be.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way.”
