This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Yesterday we visited a house on the other side of the island. Soon we will be needing a new home as our rental agreement finishes this fall. It was a nice house. No upgrade, no downgrade. But it just seems to be too far from our current work. Leaving the Netherlands for Ibiza and then trading it back for a 40 minute drive back and forth every day just doesn’t seem like a good option.
But then doubt kicks in. Will we find a house that meets our standards? Should we say yes so that at least we will have a home again?
Bottom line: it is scary to say no when you don’t dare to say no. When you have zero other options.
When the current housing market on the island is shit to say the least.
During these kind of situations I actively need to remind myself to never be guided by fear. Fear keeps you small, fear keeps you in the same loop. So, a definitive ‘no’ it is. As it should be.
Now I would love to fast forward the time to the moment where we have found our new home, but this is my current situation. Sometimes sharing doubts can be a valuable insight as well.
Not everybody is perfect and most certainly I am not perfect. Fear, doubt, worries, anger, emotions, I have it all. I experience these things on a daily basis.
My healing journey isn’t flawless. It’s messy and it goes back and forth.
Right now I feel like I am being tested. To stand my ground. In love. Authentic. Just me, without the comfort of certainties. Fighting for my existence and survival. At least this time I am packed with experience. At least this time I know what not to do.
Especially during trying times it is important to maintain healthy habits that support you instead of crumbling you even more. For me this starts with meditation, because meditation dims doubt. It silences the little voices in your head filling your mind with worries. So I’m back at it, every morning I try to start my day with a little headspace.
It doesn’t end there. There are many supporting habits. One of my favorite upbuilding habits is a set of posture exercises. It only takes me 8 minutes a day. Presenting yourself with good posture is always more convincing than sloping shoulders. Due to my scoliosis I tend to lean forward and it is not a pretty sight. So I started doing my exercises again, trying to create a moment for it on a daily basis. It might seem like a useless habit to you, but as I have mentioned before, not all healing journeys look the same.
Another thing I like to do when I am taken over by doubt is focus on my tasks one by one. I don’t have to see the outcome, I just need to take steps forward. In reality everything is executed step by step and thus taking one step at a time will get me to where I want to go. Paso a paso baby.
To help my focus and headspace get back on track I also try to read a bit in a book every day. Page by page of course, but reading always seems to clear my mind from the ugly voices. Right now I am reading a book by Wilbur Smith about Africa during colonial times. It takes me away from the rut, leads me to other people’s problems and it makes my problems seem small.
And then there is nature, the most affordable habit out there. Last winter we got a puppy and I couldn’t be more grateful. Especially during the darker days it is a blessing to have a puppy. A dog has to go outside and it creates the most healthy habit you can have. A walk in nature always does the job. Let the frequencies of the trees take you back to higher grounds. This morning I started with a nice forest walk with my little doggy friend and it is an instant mood changer.
It can be hard going outside when you feel down, I know, I’ve been there. It can feel like the biggest force is keeping you from leaving your couch even though leaving the couch is the best you can do for yourself when you are feeling down. We are not meant to sit all day looking at black screens. We are meant to be in touch with nature.
It calms our nervous system. And thus it is the most important habit on this list.
Right now I cannot give you any confirmation on my gameplan as it is in full swing. Later this year we will see where I am then and if all these little things helped me change my outer world.
For now, I try to find my happiness in the smaller moments of the day. My meditation, my correct posture, reading a book, walking in nature and of course taking it step by step.
The conclusion here for me is that fear can be present without being in charge.
This text is an open reflection.
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