This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Sometimes I wonder whether I love animals more than I love humans. Their love seems to be so pure and so present, without conditions. I was fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by animals. We used to have cats, two dogs and besides the bigger animals there were times when we had a fishtank, a rabbit, a hamster and what not.
I always knew I wanted my own pet in life, but for some reason I didn’t grant myself the responsibility and thus the pleasures that flow from it. It took me thirty years to realize it is never the “good moment” to choose a pet. Whenever you think of choosing a pet, people will present you with all sorts of arguments as to why you should not commence your pet journey. And I noticed, these arguments are often coming from people who did grant themselves a pet journey. Best not to listen.
But still there were many fears I needed to overcome before I could decide on a pet.
Around my thirties I was living on my own in my apartment. Coming from a family of seven children, you can imagine the silence was completely overwhelming me. It was the perfect time to choose my own pet. But the doubts were killing me. There were times when I could not even take care of myself. How was I going to walk a dog every day, taking sole responsibility for a living being? I talked to my family about it and at one point I decided I was ready to have a look around at the local shelter.
I had decided that it was best for me to start off with a cat. Even though I felt more like a dog person, a cat seemed to come with less responsibility and it would be a good test case. I went to the shelter with my mom and sister and one of the shelter cats was literally calling for us. So we went there, picked him up and talked to him. It was plain obvious, this cat was coming home with me. It even seemed like he chose me.
That day I took him home and we immediately bonded. He would feel me. He would know when I was feeling down. And he would comfort me. He was a true friend, and his name was Genghis Khan, nicknamed The Savior. Unfortunately Genghis died before his time, due to kidney failure. His death broke my heart, I had never cried like that before. There were times that I would wake up with tears in my eyes.
I thought about it and I could not shake the feeling that it was all my fault. I had been depressed and now my cat had died. What if my cat got sick because I was in a low state of mind? Feelings of guilt entered my mind and I could not shake the thought that this cat was literally my savior, at his own cost. A heartbreaking perception, but not necessarily true.
After Genghis, I did not know if I could ever love a cat as much as I had loved him. Life gradually moved on and my whole reality transformed.
I moved countries and I never really thought about choosing a new pet until two street kittens and their mother arrived at our doorstep.
We started feeding them and every day they would come back to our house for food. And then one day, the kittens stayed and the mother left. We named the kittens Uno and Dos and they were very wild. We could never touch them or come close, but it was fun having them around.
After a while we noticed that both ladies were pregnant. I consulted a vet about it and there was a possibility to abort the babies but we weren’t up for it, emotionally. So we decided we would keep the babies and take it step by step.
Now, years later, this whole situation has gotten a bit out of hand. Cats just keep showing up at our doorstep looking for a home or in some cases, just looking for help. And who are we to say no to a cat in need?
We are running a household where cats come and go.
After years of living with cats I still could not shake my dream to own my own dog. I talked about it with my partner and we ended up choosing a mix breed from a local shelter and we named him Pepe. He came into our house as a puppy and all our cats were in total shock. Who was this new weird cat with its unpredictable, electrical movements? And Pepe, well he thought he was surrounded by other dogs.
Blackie was his special interest out of all the cats. Pepe and Blackie were in a loving relationship, following each other around the house and sharing kisses. And then one day Blackie went into labor. We never even knew she was pregnant, but looking back I think that Pepe had always known. On that day four black kittens were born in our house and Pepe officially became a big brother. From that moment on I would see Pepe walking around the house with a kitten in his mouth, vigilantly bringing the kittens back to their mom, his girlfriend Blackie.
As a person who has experienced 30 different animals in her house in the past four years, I can safely say that each and every one of them have their own character. They all carry a different message. Some carry unmistakable main character vibes whereas others are more active in the background. Like humans, some are emotionally sensitive and some don’t seem to care much. Some talk a lot, some don’t. Some break stuff, some don’t.
Over time I started paying more attention to these differences and what they meant to me. One of the female cats, Pikachu, has a particular interest in me. She always has to come to the bathroom with me, but I also noticed that she is trying to send me a very particular message. Pikachu always asks for my attention whenever I am doing something that keeps me from living in ‘the now’. She hates it when I am on my phone and it is a given that she will try to distract me from it. She will come purring on my lap, headbutts and all that is necessary to get my attention.
Pikachu is a constant reminder for me to stay present. She actively keeps me from dissociating, a powerful message indeed.
And then there is Bolli, an absolute main character, but the most sensitive cat in my household. Bolli can feel energy and if he does not like it, it makes him sick. He will literally get an ulcer from the overall energy in the house, which is why we need to protect him. Bolli is an active reminder to pay attention to the energies you let into your home. In order for us to protect Bolli, we ourselves need to set healthy boundaries. He wants to be seen.
Did I mention Uno is blind? She cannot even see us and still she trusts us. It must mean that she can feel us. After Dos left us, Uno gradually approached us more and became a genuine housecat. Where Uno relies on our sight, we can rely on her gentleness. Even without sight, she is the kindest cat in our household. Even her fur is the softest as a token of her tenderness. She has never laid nails on anyone and even though it scares her each and every time, she will approach us because she can feel that we are alright kind of people.
Uno is our reminder to trust our intuition, that it will always guide us to kindness.
Pepe is our little mix breed and a very happy dog indeed. Pepe is here to deliver a message of playfulness. This happy fellow just wants to play all day long. Whenever I am feeling down he will start pressuring me to grab a ball and go outside. And whenever he does, I always feel lighter after. Where I used to be worried about the responsibilities concerning owning a dog, I have learned that it is the actual dog that delivers you your outcome. Every time he takes me outside, I feel better. Every time.
So there you have it, each animal carries a message for you. Some are here to teach us about healthy boundaries, some are here to teach us to trust our intuition. Letting an animal into your home is like inviting in messengers, guiding you back to your authentic self. Genghis’ death was not my fault but rather his purpose was fulfilled. He had delivered his message and had guided me back to myself during a depression. He was freed and I was lucky enough to have known him.
And yes, it hurts, losing animals. Each and every time. But I choose to focus on the gratefulness over the connection shared.
Nothing lasts forever and we do so enjoy our precious moments with our messengers.
Author’s note
This text is a completed reflection.
It documents a lived pattern, its meaning, and its integration over time.
The stories above are not open-ended metaphors, but concluded insights drawn from experience.
This piece stands on its own.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”
The list:
- Uno – Siamese female
- Dos – Calico female
- Bolli – son of Uno
- Nala – daughter of Uno
- Tiger – son of Uno
- Nakia – daughter of Uno
- Biggi – son of Dos
- Flexie – son of Dos
- Blanco – son of Dos
- Colores – daughter of Dos
- Mini – daughter of Dos
- Pikachu – ginger female
- Simba – ginger male
- Tito – black male, came for help.
- El padre – black male, only came to die with us. Rest in peace.
- Blackie – black female
- Cosmi – son of Blackie
- Zorro – son of Blackie
- Bagheera – son of Blackie
- Tuttebelle – daughter of Blackie
- 4 kittens without names, rest in peace
- Marietje, black female, only came to die with us. Rest in peace.
- LaMamma – Calico female. Mother to Uno, Dos and Binkie. Grandmother to Bolli, Nala, Tiger and Nakia.
- Binkie – Black-and-white female, daughter of LaMamma
- Nameless ginger cat, only came to die with us. Rest in peace.
- Tientje – ginger male
- Pepe – the dog.
