This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Last year in September I went to the Netherlands for a short trip. We were invited to spend the night at my stepdaughter’s apartment and for obvious reasons we chose to spend our time wisely. We decided to make a quick stop at the local coffeeshop (no coffee was bought there) and when we got back home, we ordered Chinese.
It was one of those memorable evenings where time stands still and it doesn’t seem to matter whether you spend your time with a sense of purpose. We were just ‘hanging out’, enjoying the gentle practice of spending time together. Talking, laughing, smoking weed.
The kind of thing you used to do when you were a teenager. Hanging out, forgetting about time, not doing much of anything. Just chilling.
Being together, being yourselves together.
As a parting activity my stepdaughter took me to a local spiritual shop during our last morning. Out of curiosity, we decided to buy a deck of cards. I ended up with a tarot deck by Rider Waite and “Angels and Ancestors” by Kyle Gray. It was a lovely visit and we felt well entertained by the shop owner.
I took the sets home and every once in a while I would draw some cards from my decks in order to provide either clarity for myself or clarity for others who had asked for it. I find the cards beautiful and comforting.
When you don’t feel like talking to somebody, the cards are there to guide you.
This week I pulled the “Hunter” card from my Angels and Ancestors deck and the message was to ‘Track down all of your fearful thoughts and feelings. When you find them, you will find your desires too.’
I remember myself saying “I never know what I want in life”. And suddenly I understood that when I can find my fears, I can find my desires. So I wrote down some of my fears and the corresponding desires and it was all very simple. I was simply looking at it from a wrong perspective. I know what I don’t want in life and from there I can build an image of my deepest desire.
So if you find yourself thinking ‘I don’t know what I want in life’, start looking at it from a smaller perspective, one by one. I like to use ChatGPT as my personal assistant when it comes to these things and the same as goes for the cards, ChatGPT too is a friend when you don’t wish to deal with actual people.
Fear | Desire |
Not finding an affordable new place to live. | A comfortable new house with a fenced garden. |
Having too much work, or not enough. | Receiving a decent pay for a true passion. |
Driving a manual car. | Being an excellent driver. |
Being in the spotlight. | Achieving success. |
I think I need to start aligning my behavior with my desires, focus more on them instead of entertaining my fears. What you give your intention to grows.
It’s funny how these lessons suddenly appear. It is as if you had never even noticed that there was a problem before.
I think I am writing these pieces in order to obtain consistency in a right way of thinking. My healing journey is ongoing and by setting myself deadlines to write about ‘good behavior’ my life will move into that direction.
The moral of the story?
By writing short stories I keep myself disciplined towards the thing that matters to me the most, my wellbeing. For me, discipline does not mean forcing myself into better behavior. It means repeatedly choosing what supports my wellbeing, even when fear seems to have the upper hand. Writing keeps me in a relationship with that choice.
That is what I want in life.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.”
