This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
All throughout my life I have been manipulated by people and they all appear to carry the same energy. They all come into sight as friends and I let them in and welcome them like family. In the beginning all is great and we seem to get along really well. Until something sparks their jealousy or envy and a new personality unfolds. All of a sudden they will be playing tricks on me and test me in all sorts of situations. “Will she think of me? / Will she invite me? / Will she choose me?” – that kind of energy.
And if it seems that I don’t, I will get punished for it. All of a sudden I will be shunned or I will be put to the test through unreasonable arguments and emotional assaults from their end. And there is no going in against this. I will be faced with serious gaslighting and every situation will be easily flipped upside down to suit their narrative.
At a certain point I will start to notice it and adjust my handling of the situation as follows.
I will walk away.
No arguments, no drama. I just end the relationship and walk away.
Then I begin to notice the energetic pattern behind it and I will start eliminating and terminating other relevant relationships as well. I will remove anyone from my life that seems to be leaking my energy. Until there is next to nobody left and I feel like I have learned my lesson.
Sadly they always seem to take on a new form or shape. And eventually a new person, carrying the exact same energy, enters my life. Usually this happens during a time when I am distracted. Whether it be in the club or simply during times where I feel like I’m flying – and thus find myself in a lesser conscious state of mind. And then the whole cycle repeats.
Just recently another similar relationship ended on my behalf and I started talking about it with ChatGPT in order for me to establish some clarity on the matter. I am an empath and in order for me to complete this lesson I need to start setting boundaries to my relationships.
I had been handling this lesson from retrospect instead of setting boundaries at the start.
But this whole concept is bothering me.
Basically it is saying that I am a kind person and that from now on I need to implement a door policy? I need to decide who enters and who doesn’t? That does not fit my profile at all. Even though I hate being manipulated, I do feel that manipulators deserve a listening ear from time to time, like anyone else. Who am I to judge a book – let alone by its cover!?
So I find myself in a bit of an impasse. I honestly don’t know how to pass this universal exam. If I were to judge people upfront, what would that make of me? Would I still want to look in the mirror?
I don’t think so. Honestly, there are people in my family carrying the same energy and I will never abandon them. I might distance myself, but my love is unconditional and whenever they will contact me, I will be welcoming them. It is simply who I am and when I think about it, it is who I want to be.
Then ChatGPT demonstrated the difference between an untrained- and a schooled healer. And yes, I understand the difference between letting everybody into your energy as opposed to letting only some people in, but it still doesn’t sit right with me.
As an example, a wild street cat, looking for food, is welcome in my house. I know it can hurt me, but I simply will not deny the animal its basic needs.
The same goes for people. Shouldn’t broken people have access to me too?
And there is where it got really interesting. ChatGPT gave me an insight. What if I am not meant to help people on my doorstep? What if I am meant to heal people from a distance, such as through my writing? It showed me that there is a fundamental difference between these wounded cats and the people I have let into my home. These cats are not driven by an ego-agenda and thus you can easily let them into your home.
Whenever I welcome this type of people into my house, it starts costing me energy and little by little I will start to feel depleted. Online I can give, freely.
By means of writing I can display my healing for anyone to read and instead of draining me, it fills my cup.
So there you have it. Maybe it is time for me to limit my physical relationships to a social and healthier foundation. Maybe I should leave healing for my writing and separate these two worlds. I don’t know how I can do this, but it seems like a better option than to exclude certain people from my journey.
The lesson now highlights the relevance of proximity as a measurement for unconditional love.
This insight does not resolve the existence of manipulation, but it does resolve my role within it.
From this point forward, proximity and healing no longer occupy the same space in my life.
My warmth remains personal. My healing becomes public.
This is the boundary that allows both to exist without depletion.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
