This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
This piece reflects my personal experience with psychiatric treatment and recovery. It is not a rejection of medication or medical care, but an account of how my own path required a broader, more holistic approach. What supported me may not support someone else. This text is not written as a blueprint for healing but rather offers perspective on alternative ways of healing for those who do not fit the standard profile.
During the time of ‘my point of no return’ I was given medicine by several doctors. I started out with Venlafaxine, an antidepressant subscribed to me by my general practitioner.
I was desperate at the time and the possibility that I could overcome this state of life with just one pill a day sounded alluring to me.
So I took these pills on a daily basis and gradually I started to feel more energetic and what seemed to me happy. I even considered going back to work again.
Alas, the pills took me even higher. After a short period it became evident that these pills I was taking on a daily basis drove me into a hypomanic state. I was feeling too good, too energetic, too focused and most of the people close to me were worried about my new rush of life.
It was time to call the doctor again. We spoke about my daily routines and it was quite clear that I needed to quit my medication. A new procedure commenced. I was sent to the bipolar unit where my meetings with a psychiatrist took place and group therapy sessions started. There I was told that a person with bipolar disorder can never live life without medication again. And due to my serving nature, I believed this information to be true.
I was put on Olanzapine, an anti-psychotic medicine which I needed to combine with an anti-histamine in order for me to be able to sleep at night. So, I took these pills on a daily basis. Life gradually appeared to feel better again. But at times I would go through hell and I didn’t understand any of it.
Sporadically I got intense pain in my stomach. I would get up from what I was doing, looking for ways to end this horrid feeling. Did I need some food? Did I need to go to the toilet? Before I could even make up my mind, my body would start to cramp and shake. I was forced to let myself fall to the ground due to a sort of dizziness that would overtake me.
Lying on the floor, alone in my apartment, I would hear my own sweat falling on the floor. Completely cramped up and unable to move, fever rushing through my body, I would just wait for it to pass.
I told my mom and family about these ‘attacks’ but it was hard to believe for them at first. I started doubting myself, started thinking that maybe it was my fault, that I had done something wrong. And slowly but surely I was l loosing faith in my own body. It felt to me like I had lost all control.
Then one day another attack occurred right at the time when my sister was visiting me. For the first time I had a witness to these seizures and I was sent to a pharmacogenetics clinic in our local academic hospital. They did some tests and it appeared to be a liver defect. My liver wasn’t able to fully process the medicine I had been taking on a daily basis and it was causing my seizures.
Immediately I was taken off the Olanzapine and anti-histamine and a new path of medicine was revealed: Lithium. Lithium, unlike the prior medicines I took, is processed by the kidneys and so this seemed to be a safer option. For about six months I took Lithium and with it came my worst depression ever. I felt like a zombie all the time, completely unable to enjoy life or the people around me.
After stepping out of bed in the morning I would directly lay on my couch like some sort of mummy and that is how my days were spent. Constantly daydreaming about ways of ending my own life, constantly hiding from life itself. The only commitment I was able to keep were my group therapy sessions. My character is very serving and it was out of feelings of fear and guilt that I was able to drag myself to these sessions. There I was told that Lithium is a long-term medicine and that I needed to have more patience, that it would get better.
During a conversation with my psychiatrist I asked about the medication and how it is backed up by science and it appeared to me that my psychiatrist was more of an experience expert than a doctor that actually knows what is given to the patient. All the science that backs this Lithium medicine is based on usage by patients. She couldn’t actually tell me why I was taking it, other than that other bipolar patients seemed to fair well on it.
Six months later and my people weren’t having it any longer. I remember my mother crying and saying to me that for thirty one years we had done without and it was all fine. That maybe it would be fine again if I just quit this harmful medication. So I went back to group therapy and I told them that I was quitting Lithium no matter what they would tell me and reluctantly, they agreed.
Of course the next step was to switch to another pill, this time it was Lamotrigine. Lamotrigine is an anti-epileptic medication that can stabilize moods as a sort of side effect.
I was desperate and suicidal and so there appeared to be no other option than to follow their lead.
One whole year had passed before my eyes and I was so ready to start living again. The Lamotrigine seemed to be of better service to me. Gradually I was coming out of my depression and that obviously was a very pleasing effect. Unfortunately it came with side effects. After taking Lamotrigine for a short while these side effects popped up. I was experiencing heavy tremors in my hands, unable to carry my own cup of coffee. And then there were the headaches. Every day, headaches. After months of taking these pills I was no longer feeling depressed but my daily state hadn’t improved much due to these headaches and I started wondering again whether or not I should quit this medication.
Did I really need it and why was I still taking it even after the depression had faded?
I planned a visit at a physiotherapist specialized in headaches. It was an acquaintance of mine from my student days and I was desperate to hearing what he had to say. It only took one session for him to explain to me how pain works and why I was suffering these headaches all day long, every day. He told me that I had accepted the pain instead of listening to the signals. Instead of laying down and giving my mind some rest, I would push through.
It was a great revelation to me. A veil was lifted. The brain sends out painful stimuli as a warning to your system. Because I was not listening to these stimuli, my brain was forced to send these signals sooner in hopes of me listening to it. And so I was experiencing headaches every day simply because I wasn’t listening to my brain.
After that session I started listening more to these stimuli. Whenever a headache would arise, I would lay down and ask myself why I was feeling that way. Usually I was overstimulated and in dire need of headspace. It was also during that time that my sister and I would be looking for other options. After almost two years of experiencing illness due to medication we thought that there might be other perspectives on this matter.
That is when we found out about a man who had studied medicine in order for him to be able to cure his little brother who suffered from bipolar disorder. His brother committed suicide but his quest did not end there. He spent the rest of his days fascinated by this disorder and the possible causes. In one of his YouTube videos he suggests that someone with bipolar disorder uses up much more brainfood than ‘ordinary’ people. And thus someone with bipolar disorder needs to be more aware of that and replenish their brain.
It was during these days that we started looking at natural supplements and what they might do for me. We were looking into vitamins and all sorts of supplements to better understand my options. I started trying out supplements such as Inositol, GABA, Acetyl-l-Carnitine and more and noted down what the effects were to my daily routine.
It opened my eyes to that fact that they needed no time to build up nor were there any problems if I would quit them spontaneously.
Why was this world so different from all the medication I received from big pharma?
Why were they serving me with addictive pills that were dangerous to say the least? Why were these natural options never discussed with me?
An anger started building up inside me. I was outraged by these people who were poisoning me. This anger was the fuel I needed to get to where I am now. It opened the curtains in my mind and set me off on a path of holistic healing. All of the sudden there were many options and all I needed to do was test them.
And so I did. I tested many supplements and ways of healing that I found online. I even started testing hard drugs that were already backed by science such as mdma and ketamine. Prior to my bipolar diagnosis I would never dare to take any other drugs than an occasional xtc pill, but this process with medication made me wonder whether I had held on to the wrong opinion.
It has been over five years now since I quit my medication. These days I tend to listen to my brain. I tend to listen to my body. When even the smallest deviation occurs in my mindset, I try to contradict it. My cabinet is filled with essential oils, vitamins and supplements and I have all sorts of tools at hand in order for me to not only dim my symptoms but to release them. Meditation, prayer, journaling, walking in nature, essential oils, supplements and even music can help me get back at it.
Only sporadically will I fall back on traditional medicine. I might take a paracetamol to dim my headache or I might take an ibuprofen to dim my neck tension. And every once in a huge while I will take a benzo to dim tensions during a hard week. But that’s it. No longer am I dependent on medication that is making me feel sick.
Instead of complying with medication I chose to get to know myself. To understand my needs. To be conscious of the fact that I am wired differently and with it come different needs. Someone that suffers from a broken leg needs rest to recover. Someone with bipolar disorder needs self-understanding to recover.
I know it is not exactly the same and I also understand that it might be completely different for another person suffering from bipolar disorder, but I am only trying to open up your curtains. Trying to make you see that it is all in your own hands. That you have the power to change, but maybe you’re lacking the insight or energy to do something about it. Let this text be your spark. To fight for yourself, to trust in your own capabilities.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough.”
Unknown
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are my own and are based on my personal life experience. Content is for educational and inspirational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice.
