This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
If you have read some articles on my website you will know I am a proponent of holistic health care, but like so many other people I started out somewhere different and I do feel the need to address this. I grew up in a household that was very supportive of the current healthcare system. My mother was a nurse so of course she had a positive impression of doctors and hospitals in general and thus I grew up thinking the world of the Dutch healthcare system.
Something you need to understand about Dutch culture is that we are used to saying things such as “We’re lucky we were born here, people all over the world are struggling and we have a good government and health system in place” and sentences like these, paired with the viewpoint of my surroundings, made me think twice before ever questioning this establishment. And so I never did use to question it.
Of course I had some really positive encounters with the healthcare system as well, but my visits to the doctor were few and thus my personal opinion was very limited.
Until the day I collapsed and I didn’t know any other place to go than to see a doctor. The doctor, my general practitioner, prescribed me medicine and for a little while it seemed that I was headed back to feeling good.
The feeling did not last long. It turned out my anti-depressants were causing hypomania and thus I was catapulted into the bipolar department with many more medications to follow. During these years I was constantly feeling ill. The symptoms of depression I experienced were intensified and next to that I was suffering from all sorts of side effects. After suffering tinnitus, headaches every day and tremors that would drop my coffee, I started questioning the system for the first time.
By then I was well underway in my group therapy. Guided by doctors, psychiatrists and other mental healthcare staff I tried to gradually get my life back on track.
It seemed to be costing me way more time than I had anticipated and I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was due to all the medication.
After two years of struggling and switching pills I started realizing that they were prescribing me hard drugs.
In my younger years my experience with drugs was limited to alcohol, weed and an occasional XTC-pill and I was shocked by how strong – and in my case almost lethal – these medicines were. I started asking my psychiatrist questions regarding my prescribed medicine and she could barely answer me. She was giving me lithium without the ability to explain to me why it would work. All the data was based on testimonials, experiences from other patients. She was a really nice woman by the way and back then I had no other viewpoint than hers and so I trusted her, but a seed was definitely planted.
After trying out all sorts of medication (here comes the list: venlafaxine, olanzapine, anti-histamine, lithium) I was still depressed, unable to function properly.
My inner circle was horrified by the zombie I had become and thus I decided once again to switch medication.
This time I was prescribed lamotrigine, a medicine for epileptic seizures with a side effect to stabilize moods (hard to believe I know, but my options were running low).
Just like the medication before this one I needed to build up this medicine to establish the proper dose. After building up this medication I gradually started to feel better, but even though my moods were getting better, I was still suffering from side effects. I decided to get back on the work floor and try to reintegrate into the job I was acing before this shitshow overthrew me. And because I was feeling better, I was almost able to fulfill the tasks appointed to my prior position, but it came with a huge internal resistance.
I knew now that this job I was good at doing was also my downfall. All the stress that came from managing an event company didn’t fit my newfound profile. I was a patient with bipolar disorder trying to practice a profession with as many as thirty deadlines per week. I knew then I needed to stop, and I did.
I quit the job I thought I needed so much in order for me to survive and I had never felt better.
Walking away from this job felt good and I decided to take some time off to see where things would head.
During this free time I planned a trip to visit my younger sister who emigrated to Australia. I was confident that I could make the trip, supported by my medication at that time.
The trip was great, but it became very clear that my medication would not suffice. All the stress from traveling to a new country and seeing new places and surroundings made me falter, resulting in a horrible clash between me and my sister. I was so tired and my brain was at its wits’ end. After a night sleep my sister decided we needed a pick-me-up in the form of a valium pill.
I had so many bad experiences with prior medication that I no longer cared about all the prejudices concerning this particular pill, I just didn’t want to feel like shit for one day. So we took the pill and guess what? We had a great day! All of the sudden I came across a pill that actually worked! Wtf?!
After returning to the Netherlands I confronted my specialist about this. Why were they forcing me to take medicine that I needed to build up when there exists such a thing as a miracle pill? This wonderous pill had instantly turned my day around and because it did, stress was no longer building up and the effects were felt well into the next day.
I was shocked and I felt scammed by my doctors.
No worries, this feeling didn’t last long. Soon I found out that benzodiazepines (the collective term for this kind of medication) are very addictive and quitting such a medicine creates a whole other problem. So if this wonder-pill wasn’t going to save me, what other options were left for me? The last thing I wanted was a benzo addiction and thus I needed to explore further.
Fortunately I have another sister and she was willing to research the whole internet if it would help me. And she did. She searched online in databases such as PubMed and any other website with an interest in curing mental health issues. We soon found an array of natural supplements worth the try and we started monitoring this process. I would start a new supplement and keep track of it in an Excell sheet until we had found my remedy.
Looking back, years later, I would say it was the combination that saved me. And isn’t that what holistic healthcare should be all about? Then why don’t these fields overlap? I think it might have something to do with the possibilities of a patent. The current health care system is monetized. To put it simply, a herb cannot be monetized by the health industry because you cannot patent it.
The problem doesn’t lie with the people but with the system. Doctors rely on prescriptions for their livelihood. Medical trials are sponsored by large pharmaceuticals who want to sell their pill. There is so much wrong with it, I just don’t know where to begin. But this only concerns my path and my experience. I’m not saying it’s all bad. Doctors can be heroes or foes, just like any other person you encounter in your life.
What I am trying to say?
I am a proponent of holistic health care but it does not make me an opponent of the current health care system. What I have learnt from this experience – and this goes for all fields in life – is to practice discernment.
In every situation. If you do not, chances are that other people will take over and decide for you. And who knows if they have your best intentions at heart? You decide, by practicing discernment.
It took discernment and guts to decide to stop my medicinal horror ride. I needed to go in against doctors and psychiatrists and it felt like I was singlehandedly fighting an army. At the beginning of my downfall I was told by professionals that I could never live without medication again. But I did it, I chose me. And now, a decade later, my backpack is filled with wisdom from all fields and it is exactly how I use it to this day.
Whenever I feel low, I will firstly take all natural steps in order for me to obtain my equilibrium. And then, when all else fails, I might take a lorazepam from time to time. Because it works for me, instantly. I save it as my last resort to prevent addiction and my last lorazepam prescription lasted for years. Sometimes I just keep it in the house to know that I have something to fall back on. It is a journey and I know I can still fall, but now that I am so much wiser, I can finally enjoy life like I used to, before this nightmare happened. I have a contingency plan in place, because I learnt what my body needs. By understanding my needs I can now act upon them faster, I can protect myself against highs and lows.
Everything occurring in our lives is either a lesson or a blessing and once you understand that you can learn your lessons, you turn your lessons into blessings as well. And thus I would like to thank each and every person that brought me here. From my family to all the health staff and doctors. Each one of them tried their best from their perspective to help me and I could not have done it without any of them.
Discernment, for me, does not mean rejecting diagnosis or medication altogether. It means staying in relationship with my body, my symptoms, and the tools that are offered to me. What supports one person may harm another, and what saves you in one phase of life may no longer serve you in the next. Discernment is not about being right — it is about listening inward and noticing bodily needs as they arise.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Let discernment be your trustee, and mistakes your teacher.”
Disclaimer: This blog contains my personal experience. This is not medical advice. Never stop your medication without proper guidance by professionals. Always conduct your own research and take responsibility for your own choices.
