This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Some children grow up knowing exactly what they want from life. They want to become a doctor and they do. It is like their life is set in stone. I was not one of these children. Besides ‘running a household’ I had no aspirations of my own.
So I did what was expected of me. Why would I not turn out to be the same like the other children right? So I started walking someone else’s path and jokingly called myself a roller.
I was rolling into all sorts of situations and called it my path.
I had a variety of talents and I explored many of them but not one of them seemed to stick to me like a true passion would.
I was good at studying but I didn’t see a life for myself as a graduated law student. I was good at working but I didn’t see myself working events until my retirement. I was good at painting, but I didn’t really like the process of it. I was good at writing, but I could not write a book.
And so I kept rolling, for a really long time. I rolled into my jobs and even though there were elements there that I liked, it never really fulfilled me. It did not ignite a spark. Instead it wore me down and led me down a path of self-destruction.
After my point of no return I had a few lucky breaks concerning my bank account. I sold my apartment and it left me with some money.
I decided to live on it and spend it all, confident that my passion would emerge. And so my sabbatical lasted for several years without ever finding that spark.
A couple of years ago I started writing again and I even tried to write a book about my life. I figured I had something to share being an expert through experiencing bipolar disorder and overcoming it in a sense. But after writing my pages, I noticed that I was really only writing it for me. I did not actually want to share this dark era of my life so explicitly but it handed me some new insights and I was grateful for it.
I guess I didn’t see my passion even if it was right in front of me my whole life. My whole life I have listened to people to cheer them up or be there for them. The insights gained were applied to my own life as well and as I grew my conversations reached more depth. I am a social person and whenever someone would be in doubt about certain life questions it seemed they would come to me for advice. And I gladly offered it.
I conversed with people I knew but also listened to people I had never met before. Even when I was going out, people would come to me with their heartfelt stories and I would listen and try to talk them into loving themselves. As my self-love progressed, my conversations progressed as well and I started noticing that perhaps my talents were lying in this direction. Even my partner would say things like “you should ask people money for this service, you are like a therapist”.
It didn’t seem natural to me as I was so convinced of the system we live in and the fact that I had not studied to become a coach or a therapist. I was merely sharing my experience.
So I did what I had to do. I cleaned toilets and I cleaned houses. I cleaned sixty windows a day. But it did not move me. I needed all my headspace to get me up and running and I was triggered easily because my body was tired of it all.
During this time I was still writing, but at the time I thought I was only writing to myself. I was writing to myself in order to improve myself and my mental state, reflections to keep my lessons active and it had become my biggest hobby. Until it occurred to me and I experienced what is called an epiphany.
When I read self-help books during my process I used to think I wrote parts of it to myself. I did not of course, but it felt like I was reading my own words. As if my higher self had written it to me from another dimension. After this moment of clarity I started reading my own texts differently and I noticed that they were blog-style articles that would be readable to anyone.
For another project I had created a website all on my own and thus I knew that nothing was holding me back. I just needed to find the capability to trust myself and my talent and I figured I would take it one step at a time. Now that I am writing this I am creating my website on the side (and it is almost done!) and it seems to be a very creative process that I thoroughly enjoy.
During this process it came to my mind that all the little things and tasks I have performed in the past have led me here.
Studying (and failing) law showed me deep lessons that I needed to learn. Working for an event company taught me how to set healthy boundaries and it created a skillfulness in handling computers which is something that really benefits the process of building my website. My time in the event industry also gave me a form of confidence, it showed me I could do so much more than I would think. My job from the last year taught me how to create my own website and it also showed me that it was not my path. It crumbled at my feet, all at once and it was a clear sign for me to move ahead in another direction.
Looking back, it’s tempting to frame everything as intentional. It wasn’t. Much of it was confusion, exhaustion, and trying to survive. Meaning only became visible in hindsight — and even now, it continues to unfold as I keep moving.
Step by step I am gaining the confidence to put myself out there and share my insights with whoever lands on my web page. So I did what I had to do before I could do what I want to do. I gave it my all during all the jobs I have encountered in my life and now I am ready to pour. I am ready to overflow your mind with my insights and share them with you. Now I can safely say: I thought I was a roller but now I am confidently walking my path. And maybe inspiration is not some wonder that you behold, but something you encounter along the way. A spark that keeps growing as long as you move forward.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.”
