This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
There is only one possible way for me to start this blog and that is by introducing you to the fact that I am a junkie. There, I said it. I am an addict to all sorts of things, foods, habits and situations. From cigarettes to people pleasing, I have serious issues. And even though I wish it wasn’t, the same probably goes for you..
A couple of months ago we said farewell to a supposed friend due to an argument and when we would talk about this situation in the house we would jokingly call her an addict.
And then it hit me: the things we say about other people almost always reflect back on us.
So if we were laughing about her being a junkie, it might also shed some light on our own situation.It is so easy to condemn someone, but usually it says more about you than it does about them. So now I have to admit that there is a bit of a junkie in me. I am addicted to smoking. My addiction has aged from regular cigarettes to some robot version called IQOS that we see in stores today. Next to that I am addicted to getting to better understand myself and this addiction is actually worse. It keeps me in a perpetual state of trying to find answers to better myself. Of course it seems innocent to call this an addiction but there is actually great danger hidden in this dependency of mine.
Smoking is just smoking and after you have smoked your cigarette you’re done.
This obsession with fixing myself isn’t innocent at all.
It leads to overthinking and overcontrolling.
Overthinking leads to a state of burn-out and trying to control everything creates the unwanted feelings of being overwhelmed and powerless. This problem leads me to write out my “control-shadow” later on but for now just noticing it will suffice.
And we move on to another addiction of mine. This addiction seems to have more of a sporadic nature and thus it’s easy to sweep it under the rug but I feel that it is yet another serious problem. Whenever we go somewhere where there are people all around me, I cannot handle the situation without calming the pressure. Believe me, I have tried, but it always ends up with me feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated and thus I will head to the bar and order something like an Aperol Spritz.
Alas, overstimulation is another common experience of mine and thus I have another addiction to smoking weed in the evenings. Many of my days are longer than the amount of energy I started out with and thus at night I smoke a joint. It relaxes me and it gives me more headspace whenever I feel overstimulated. Fortunately I have periods where I don’t feel the need to take off the sharp edges so this weed smoking addiction of mine seems to pose no actual threat to my existence.
And last but definitely not least: my chocolate addiction. I am an absolute chocolate junkie. I eat chocolate almost every evening on the couch. I’m not referring to an innocent bite, I’m talking about the whole bar – and not the healthy dark one. I just can’t help myself and to be honest, I don’t feel the need to change this habit. I will probably be eating Kit-Kats like my grandmother would at 92 years of age.
It feels like an innocent indulgence and perfection simply is not what I am aiming for. Awareness is.
The only reason I am writing this text is because I no longer want to think negatively about other people. All the things I have ever thought about other people were as relevant to them as they were to me. It is that simple.
Maybe we are all junkies. Maybe we are living in a junkie era. We are so used to dim symptoms instead of searching for the root cause that we are all addicted to the most ridiculous pills, habits, situations and symbioses. It’s easier to address someone’s junkie behavior when it concerns hard drugs but the simple fact remains that an addiction is an addiction.
Just because you classify addictions differently in your head doesn’t make it true. My addiction to bettering myself is no less than someone’s addiction to muffle their life with drugs. It is simply our way of coping with reality. So there you have it, these are my biggest addictions in life and there is no need to sugarcoat them.
We have all been through trauma, mentally and physically, and sometimes we grant ourselves some pleasure, even if it does not seem like a healthy option. So the next time you jokingly call someone a junkie, it might be time to set your record straight. Be gentle on other people, as it is often merely projection. Me grabbing my box of weed at night is no different from someone surviving on the streets looking for a dangerous escape.
It all stems from the same impulse to cope with life.
We are all just trying to live our lives and each life is different. Who are we to judge someone else’s addiction when we ourselves have not tamed our dragons?
Today I challenge you to write out your own addictions, and be honest about it. Release or embrace them where you want and enjoy your life, guiltfree. Because we are all junkies in some shape or form and the last thing I want for you is to feel guilt for trying to get yourself through the current moment.
By being aware of my addictions, I create a sense of agency. Not by conquering them, but by seeing them — and choosing, on a daily basis, what belongs to me and what does not. We do not have to be perfect; we need to feel at ease with what we decide for ourselves.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“At first, addiction is maintained by pleasure, but the intensity of this pleasure gradually diminishes and the addiction is then maintained by the avoidance of pain.”
Frank Tallis
Disclaimer: In this blog I use the word “junkie” as a metaphor for the human impulse to cope — the small beginnings of addiction we all recognize in ourselves. I am not referring to clinical addiction or offering any form of medical advice.
My perspective is shaped by personal experience, including growing up with an alcoholic surrounding. My intention is not to compare light habits to severe addiction, but to reflect on the shared root impulse behind coping behaviors — not their outcome or treatment.
