This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Approximately ten years ago I suffered from my worst depression so far. I had endured many depressions, starting in my teenage years, but I simply wasn’t aware of a problem until the depression started interfering with my work. Before I was able to move through my depressions unnoticed by others. I would literally hide it. And because I was naturally curious and interested, I still finished high school and accepted my diploma despite not showing up for classes.
But the workplace follows different rules. You cannot skip random days and still make your deadline and be okay with that. Your bosses will start to speak up and your absence is not easily tolerated. So I pushed myself to the limits of my depression, all for the fear of losing my job, losing my income, losing my sanity. But this depression did not just go away, it was too grave.
In the worst moment of my depression I called the doctor and it started a path filled with medication and information. I was happy to take these pills, until the point where side effects were influencing my days more than my depression actually was. It was around that time that I picked up on different ways of healing. It triggered my so-called healing journey.
Now, ten years later, I am done healing. I might even be a little mad at healing right now.
Healing implies that something is broken and needs to be fixed. But do I really need to be fixed? Am I broken or is my body merely signaling “a time for change”? Is a depression an error or are these emotions trying to catalyze a new way of living, a new way of thinking?
I find myself at a pivotal moment in my personal history. One where I refuse further healing and start deciding. I am done asking for change, begging for opportunities. I am done looking at my days with sadness. It is draining me and it is showing me why. During this current depression, which comes in waves and leaves within a couple of hours, I noticed that everything I had picked up during my healing journey was not fitting this new strand.
And so it came to my mind that there is no “path of healing”. It evolves, with every new depression. And here I was, completely aware of my depression and unable to stop it with the tools that I had mastered. At one point I was so tired of fighting against my reality that I just stopped. I called in a vacation for myself. Not because I feel so stable and secure that I can just spend my days without working, but because I need it now.
I was so focused on healing that I forgot one simple truth.
Perfection encompasses imperfection.
I have no need to heal my “ugly parts”, I need only integrate them.
I need only to listen to the signals that my body is sending me and right now it is demanding rest. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it feels to stop fighting when it is all that I have ever done.
Rest no longer comes easily because I have suppressed it for over a decade. For over a decade I felt so responsible for my imperfections that I thought that I needed to change them to fit a narrative. The narrative of a well-balanced individual that is. But is a well-balanced individual perfect? And does this perfection encompass imperfection?
Instead of constantly looking at myself and trying to find ways of changing myself, I now look at other people. And what I am seeing is that nobody is completely perfect. Everybody gets tired at some point. Everybody lashes out to someone at some point. It is normal behavior, it is not sick.
What is “sick” about me is that I keep thinking that I need to be healed. I do not need to be healed, I need rest and I need to listen to my body’s signals. If I don’t, I might feel overstimulated. I might feel angry and snap at someone. I might cry. And that is okay. It is okay to be triggered or cry when you feel overwhelmed. And feeling overwhelmed does not automatically imply that there is something wrong with you. It just means that a certain situation does not match your energy levels.
And then there are two things you can do..
- Something is wrong with me and I need to be healed..
- My body is sending me signals and I can adapt to them.
So even though I thought I was calling in a vacation, it came with some new insights. This depression is showing me that my body is no longer wanting to tolerate me overstepping boundaries for the sake of everything and everyone around me. So what changed?
No longer do I explain myself. I now decide.
I command my change upon my inner circle.
Whenever I feel my body resisting to a situation, I will energetically step out of it. I will not overthink it, I will not try to replay it in my mind. I will simply witness the situation and decide (internally) that I am not accepting this reality.
So when my partner lashes out to me, my prior self would have snapped back within seconds. My vacation self does not snap. It just listens to the nasty remark, looks my partner in the eye and in my mind I will deny the situation. I do not mean denying it ever happened. I mean, denying access to my emotional world. I simply see it for what it is. Because when my partner lashes out at me it comes from a place of feeling overwhelmed. It has nothing to do with me. It is his own projection and that is exactly where I keep it.
In my experience, when I stop engaging with the overwhelm, the tension often fades on its own.
And without conversation, the energy shifts. All of a sudden he will suggest something nice for me. In an instant he will offer me to make me a coffee or whatever. It does not matter what is offered, it is about the change in energy. I chose not to participate and it just stops.
So this is one result of calling in a vacation. The other result is that I am learning to let go in trust. When you are constantly focused on healing, it implies that you do not trust the outcome of your days. You are implying that you need to heal before you are ready to accept a new reality. But we are all worth our wanted reality. And the thing keeping you from reaching it, might be called healing.
I have decided that I need no more healing. What I am actually looking for is guidance. And now whenever I am triggered I see it as a guide. A way of showing me where not to go, where not to look.
Every trigger carries information.
Every emotion is a valid signpost.
It is not showing me what is wrong with me.
It is showing me direction.
Ten years of trying to heal myself led me to finally say…
F*ck healing.
I’m learning how to listen. And this self-proclaimed holiday is giving me the time to do so.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
