This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Lately I have not been feeling well. Even though my mind and intentions are clear, my body feels like it is lagging. And it creates very uncomfortable feelings. I want to get a ton of things done in a day and even though I set my intentions, most to do’s are left untouched. And they build up. And it annoys me.
It makes me think things about myself that I would never think about you. Harsh and ugly words enter my mind, condemning myself. It feels as if I am living life under my potential. I have so many ideas and creative adventures on my mind, but all that my body wants is rest. And there are times when it is too hard for me to cope.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning with existential questions rushing through my mind.
A sense of powerlessness hits home and I cannot help but look for answers.
It is a pattern, a loop in which I find myself stuck. And where to find the answers I am seeking for..?
So I start drawing tarot cards in hopes of calming my mind. But it all feeds the loop. Tarot cannot answer existential questions and all I receive in my answers are analyses of my mental state. As if I haven’t thought it all over a hundred times before. As I said, my body is feeling restless these days and thus the need for a direct answer to calm my nerves is essential for me in these moments.
But there are no answers to my questions. Neither tarot, nor my mind are able to clarify the why’s to my questions. And, in all honesty, I do not even know why I hold such expectations during these early moments of the day. And after I receive another interpretation of my distress, it can literally trigger an overwhelmed state of mind.
And it is the worst. It feels overwhelming. Why? Here I am, wanting to make something out of my life with a body that is literally holding me back. There is not enough energy, I am struggling on my reserves. And when I let myself be overwhelmed by frustration, I can easily bring this mood into the rest of my day.
I have tried to regain my own awareness around this matter but it is hard. And even though I have gotten better at it over the years, I have never been able to fully withstand the tsunami’s hitting me in the morning. And so I asked my partner to help me out, to help me gain awareness during these ‘errors’ of mine.
These days my moods are fewer, but when they hit, my partner will mirror me. He will notice that I am spiralling again. He will give me some time to draw my loop-cards, ride out the wave a little, and then when he feels I will not overcome this mood on my own, he will advise me to regulate myself. And then, depending on the gravity of the situation, I will either take a bath, walk my dog or maybe even swallow a pill.
I do not want to be stuck in my unstable emotional world, but for reasons unknown to me, the thought of helping myself in the moment does not even occur. In my current state I need that mirror to stop the madness. And it does, stop.
I do not linger on these crises.
After gaining awareness I go straight back to my normal self and commence my day as usual, albeit with a little less energy. Yes, these moods are draining my energy as well. Like I said, it is a loop, and I seem to be stuck in it.
Yesterday morning, I was overrun by another emotional tsunami and here is how it played out. The night before I reminded myself of what I wanted the next day to be like. I told myself all the things that needed to be done and that I was excited about it. I went to bed, but unfortunately I woke up in the middle of the night. I woke up with unease due to an uncomfortable social situation in my life.
I decided to go back to bed, because it was way too early but it led me to wake up around noon. And by then, I felt like I had already lost my day, before it even started. You might think that this is not a big deal but for someone who already feels that life is overwhelming, another delay can feel like a deadly attack. Suddenly all my to do’s are rushing through my head and intense feelings of inadequacy start attacking my mind.
And the only way my autopilot copes with these emotions is by seeking answers. And all I ever receive are analyses of my mental state. Fortunately, my built in buddy system is working properly, so when my partner got out of bed, he advised me to regulate. And I did. In this case, I took a pill (prescription, no worries) and it worked, it calmed me down. I decided to take a bath after to relax my nervous system and decided to just go with the flow.
We decided to walk the dog and take a rest at a beach club. We enjoyed the sun together and let all expectations loose for the day. It was so nice and the view was amazing. All of a sudden this same day, but lived without assumptions, turned out to be very relaxed. I took some rest. I did not even feel guilty about it. I just rode it out.
So what really happened here?
I set high expectations the night before and when life did not meet me there, I collapsed. I am living so low on my reserves that every heavy emotion feels like an attack. And an attack on my adequacy feels unbearable during these moments. Because I already feel like a useless nobody and it feels humiliating when life appears to confirm that inadequacy.
But we never know how the rest of the day is going to play out. Now, looking back, I find that it was a very pleasurable day. A day spent with my loved-ones, an afternoon spent outdoors. And it leads me to a sentence that entered my mind not so long ago.
“What if the best day of your life starts with you falling from the stairs?”
We never know what lies ahead, but it is our job to survive our present moment. And when we feel overwhelmed in the present moment, it is time to regulate. I have no other option than to listen to my body, even when it sets the pace at an uncomfortably slow rhythm. The only thing I can do is try to harmonize my mind and body in the now. And once I have done that, it is time for life to show me what happens next. And more often times than not it turns out to be a surprisingly good day.
And yes, I have some catching up to do today, but at least yesterday was a good day. It was a day where I managed to move through my emotional instability and trusted life to show me another routine for this particular day. And I enjoyed it, and I was grateful for it.
And now, the next morning, I am writing this before I start cleaning up the mess that this mini-tsunami left lying around in my living room. I have replenished my reserves, if even a little. And now it is time to keep surviving the now, with trust for my future.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.”
