This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Last week I watched a documentary about a cult, disguised as a social media agency. Obviously there were many things bothering me and concerning to say the least, but one thing this cult leader said did trigger me. He said that your thoughts are not your own. They either come from God or from the devil.
I thought about it for a while and I must say, I kind of like this one sentence. For the longest time I was consumed by my own mind, simply because I thought it was all worth listening to. I mean come on, it even sounds like me.
When I started reading self-help books, it dawned on me that not all thoughts are mine. And much later in life I even started questioning if any of them are ‘mine’.
I am the kind of person who wishes everyone well. Sure, sometimes I would wish you well from an appropriate distance, but still, I wish you well.
But nonetheless sometimes the thoughts coming in are harsh and unnecessary. Out of nowhere something like “She looks like shit” will enter my mind. But why?
Who is this character inside my mind, polluting my days? And why do I choose to listen to this nonsense on a daily basis?
I am not saying that this supposed cult leader is right (or wrong). I’m saying that the valuable lesson here is that we control our own command center. With consciousness we can step in and decide whether or not to ‘follow our thoughts’.
If you have read any of my texts, you will know that awareness is a key state of mind when it comes to changing your patterns.
Without awareness, our autopilot takes over, turning us into npc’s so to say, slaves of our own thoughts. This might sound heavy to you, but take a moment to think about the loss of control here.
Before you know it, you say things you never intended to say or even do things you never intended to. Without awareness, it is easy to commit to invitations out of guilt or people pleasing instead of acting upon your own desires.
I don’t know what goes on in your minds on a daily basis, I can only share my truth.
But what is my truth?
Is every thought that enters my mind truth or should we use discernment?
Where is it all taking us? Are your thoughts creating your desired reality or are they keeping you small? Are your actions aligned with your purpose or do you lack boundaries and self-acceptance?
For me this is all still going up and down. Alas, life with bipolar disorder isn’t always easy.
I like to think I am a warrior of the mind and falter I will not. So, this time around, during a new wave of depression that hit my life like a tsunami, I chose to open my own ‘command center’.
It does not matter whether you call it God or the devil, good or wrong, desired or unwanted…
It just matters that you know that you are able to decide for yourself.
Who do you want to be? What does this person think? What does this person do?
And you can choose to live your life by these homemade standards.
Entertaining ugly thoughts keeps you small. Overstepping your own boundaries keeps you small.
And you are not small.
You and I, we are meant to live our greatest purpose. To reach this state, we need to step up for ourselves. We deal with our ‘devils’, through awareness paired with discernment.
This time around I decided to give my ugly thoughts a name, to disconnect them from myself.
And every time I find myself aware of ugly thoughts coming in, I will address them accordingly.
“Not today sir, today is going to be better!”
For me it creates a gap between me and these thoughts so I can see them before unconsciously making them my own.
And it turns life into a little game.
A game where I am the one holding the controller. A game where I can laugh at these ugly thoughts coming in and by simply switching them off, I create a pivotal moment in my day where I decide that my life going forward is always based on a conscious decision.
And most importantly, guided towards my desired reality.
Because it happens to be that my autopilot is highly sensitive, a victim of my own thoughts if I just let it.
So I don’t.
I open my command center and call out my ugly thoughts.
I tell them to leave, because I have better plans for me.
I have now entered a stage where I have collected enough bravery to recall my own decisions.
Even if my pleasing personality will shower me with feelings of guilt to push me into making the wrong decision.
Because it is wrong. It is even fake.
We are here to live our lives, not someone else’s. And it grants us the possibility to withdraw our autopilot.
We handle in the now. The present moment always provides us with another choice.
So even if we find ourselves in a position where we said yes to something we do not actually want, we have the now to do something about it.
We can feel guilty and pressured into going anyway, or we can choose to break open the pattern.
We break it open, each and every time we gain our awareness.
For some lucky people, it means that they no longer answer in autopilot mode, but for most of us, it looks messier.
If you are like me and tend to over speak out of enthusiasm or willingness to please others, then I am here to tell you, that you can revoke it.
Without guilt, without shame.
I will call someone the next day and tell them that I promised something during an energy peak and that I cannot actually own up to it.
I have inconsistent energy and it would be unwise to give my precious energy to situations that are not for me or from me.
I need to make most out of the time I have. For me, and for others.
I want to be the best version of me that I can, for you, so you get to experience the best version of me.
And for me, because I deserve peace of mind.
It just goes to show that insight can come from the most unexpected places. Even a cult leader can point to a valuable insight.
Not because he is right, but because it made me question.
For me, it followed a pattern to something simple:
I am not my thoughts.
I am the one sitting in the command center, deciding which thoughts shape my desired reality.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“We break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.”
Colleen Hoover
