This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Throughout most of my life, I believed that God did not exist. I saw so much pain, suffering, hurt and fear around me and next to that I felt it all. I am a highly sensitive being and I can literally feel someone else’s pain. Even when watching television, someone else’s pain can enter my body. It simply was not possible for me to believe in the divine. If God would exist, he would be able to do something about all this suffering, right?
I noticed that my parents were both raised Christian but they never seemed inclined to teach their children about this way of life.
And so I never read a word in the Bible and I even used to joke about religion, about people who did read the Bible and concerning the whole God concept. I actually thought you must be really stupid if you believe in God, I mean, look around!? I was only focused on all negativity surrounding me and how could I not? It was all that was presented to me through news channels and the people surrounding me.
And so, instead of following the word of the divine,
I followed other people’s expectations of me in life.
I tried to uphold every narrative that was presented to me. I finished High School, went to university to study law and even joined a fraternity according to my mother’s standards. Afterwards I started working fulltime at an office job in the event industry and I bought my own apartment. I tried all these things that were supposed to make me happy but darkness was slowly overtaking me from the inside.
When I was thirty years of age my mother and I went on a vacation to the south of France in the Ariège area, visiting old family friends. It was much needed. By that time, my mind was consumed by poison and the venomous thoughts within my mind were circling nonstop. Besides us, their niece was visiting as well. Now, when I look back I remember her to be a soft spoken, gentle young woman, but back then my mind polluted everything I thought. And I had no defense against these thoughts, they came in and overtook me at every moment of the day.
Inside my mind it was so dark and full of hatred
and I started projecting it upon this niece.
She did not do anything to me and whilst I am writing this I still feel ashamed and sorry towards her. I never got the chance to apologize to her. Back then, I did not see the better side but something during that vacation initiated a change within me. One day I decided to take a walk by myself, along the country road leading out of the village. I sat down on a little wall and decided to take a selfie. My cellphone was already equipped with a very decent camera but upon looking at the photo, chills ran down my spine. Someone else was staring back at me. My eyes were blurred whereas the rest of the photo was pixel-perfect.
I froze in that moment in time. I stared at the photo for a while, in utter disbelief and I deleted this abomination immediately after. This photo hit me not only through sight but it made me feel something unknown, something scary and dark. And intrinsically I knew my truth then and there. I had been overtaken by something. I was not operating my own life. And even worse, the devil was staring back at me.
Even though I had never in my life believed in God,
I did believe in duality.
I had met the devil in my own eyes and it made me realize simultaneously that God exists. With that realization entered a floodgate of thoughts to support this narrative. I was not happy, I was no longer able to be kind. I was tired at all times. I felt depressed. I had become someone that I did not want to be. I did not feel like myself. I hated me and everyone around me, even this niece who had done nothing to me received all my projected venom.
I had unwillingly turned myself into a snake
by trying to live according to other people’s ideals.
These other people were not happy either. I started looking at all the people who had steered me through their ways and I was shocked. My mother was not happy at all. She was thirty-four years older than me and she was very insecure. She had not reached any of her desired goals and she had been married for seventeen years to a man that physically abused her. Why the actual f*ck was I listening to her?
And this journey went on for years and I started seeing the people around me for who they were. My sister was forever enforcing her narratives upon me whilst never performing sh*t. The most lazy person I have ever met. A know-it-all pushing her views upon my life. And the same goes for my brother, always forcing his opinions on me, but never leading the life that I wanted for myself. Why was I listening to these people? I listened to everybody. I listened to my family, I listened to my friends.
I took everything they said for truth
and it had completely ruined me.
But it was too late to change, sickness had already overtaken me. I had taken on all their expectations and this burden was too much to carry for one little donkey. I was forced to give up my career and was even diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But I never once looked back. Ever since I met the devil in my own eyes, I have been -secretly- searching for the divine. Surrounded by people who had lost their spark, I internally started studying everyone around me, myself and what would make me happy.
And through this path I met God,
in the same way that I had met the devil.
I met the divine through my own tears. Tears of happiness, tears of freedom. One day I just felt His presence. And so I do not believe in God, I know Him. I know the divine because I speak with the divine on a daily basis. In silence, in private. I met God through all the stress because the stress made me lose my appetite and fasting is one way to meet your maker. I met the divine through prayer because I started speaking to the sky when I could not rely on the opinions of the people surrounding me. I met the divine from an inner knowing, not through religion, but through my own intuition and guided by an intrinsic need to become the best version that I can be.
During my first month on Ibiza I declared my faith in the divine and what followed were my ‘Job years’. Life became so contradictory for me. My inner- and outer world did not match at all. And it was during these years that scripture slowly became more important in my life. And although my partner knew I believed in the divine, he would always joke about me speaking to myself. I never had a safe place to share my beliefs or my thoughts and thus it was all internalized.
I started reading the Bible
but the words did not always make sense to me.
Now that I have left each and every one behind that does not match my inner world, I started reading the Bible again. Now, the words touch my soul. Now I can finally read the Bible and all its truths for what they are. And I found my way of faith in a chapter in the book of Matthew. In Matthew chapter 6:5-7 it is stated that we need to pray in silence, in private. And in Matthew chapter 6:16-18 it states that we should fast in a private manner as well.
We should not boast about our belief,
we should believe for ourselves,
not for some image we would like to uphold.
And it is exactly how I have found my maker. In private, silenced by my surroundings. My camino was not a walk. My camino was a gruesome and lonely journey, led by a spark of faith that I could find happiness regardless of everyone else around me being unhappy. My camino was chastening me through fasting because I lost my appetite due to my surroundings. I am a child of God and for most of my life I have been surrounded by the worst type of devil pleasers you will ever meet. I have been forced on my knees by these demons over and over again and I never gave up.
I kept walking,
kept fasting,
kept praying,
kept searching for the divine.
And although people around me loved to mock me, I did meet my maker and He became my best friend. You see, the problem in this world is not the divine. The problem is that most of us are consumed by life and mainly focused on negativity. We give the devil way too much space. Because I have changed my perspective through trial and error and I no longer feel touched by negativity. God is not creating suffering, we are, collectively. And if we do not change our ways, the divine can never meet us.
We are ruling out our one chance at love and positivity.
Because we are too scared to look at ourselves.
Start walking your camino.
Find the divine and bring beauty into this world.
When you start giving your attention to the divine, the divine will show up for you.
Your children will thank you for it.
This text is an open reflection.
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