This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Whether this was a conscious act or not, I was heavily programmed to experience scarcity during this lifetime. And all the while I have been aware of this situation. As a young child I dreamt big, huge even. I dreamt about fairytale stories overcoming me, about becoming wealthy and so on. But these dreams never seemed to ‘fit’ my reality.
Even though I grew up in a better part of Rotterdam, we did not have much to show for it. I was surrounded by friends who appeared to receive anything they could wish for. I had a friend that would receive exactly what she wanted after a good cry to her parents. But this was not my situation. I received hand-me-downs from my older siblings. It felt normal to me, but in my mind I started comparing myself to these friends of mine.
Their situation seemed to be better and it was something that I too longed for.
Maybe it was never about wealth, but more about a sense of stability. Something you can count on for future days. As I started comparing myself to other people around me, I unwillingly opened the floodgates for this program to run in the background.
As with all thoughts in the mind, the ones you give your attention to start expanding. The first scarcity program I remember is a fairytale called ‘The little match girl’. This is a story about a little girl, living in scarcity, trying to sell matchsticks on Ney Year’s Eve in the snow. Whilst she is trying to stay warm and sell her matchsticks, she crosses houses where (seemingly happy) families are tending to their festive tables. Mind you, this little girl dies alone on the streets. That is the ending of scarcity disguised as a fairytale.
This story hurt me, literally, physically. I felt sad for the little girl and every time I read the story, it made me cry. I identified with her. Even to this day, this story always brings tears to my eyes. What a horrible fairytale to be programmed with, but it did not end there. My sister was deemed the pretty one and this hit right in the core of my scarcity wound. It seemed like I had nothing to offer. My friends were ‘better’ or ‘more deserving’ than me and so was my sister.
It made me feel like I was nobody and had nothing to offer.
After my parents got divorced, my father found a new partner and this relationship lasted roughly ten years. I loved this new woman, she gave me more time with my father. During this relationship my father was another man and he was hospitable towards spending time together with his children again. I spent weekends with them and we would do cool stuff that we never got to do at home, it was as if an angel had landed in my life. She told me that she had been our mother in a past life and I looked up to her, she seemed to care about me.
After their breakup my younger sister and I decided to visit her again, for old times’ sake. It started out nice and we sat by the fire when she grabbed a book about numerology. She wanted to read to us about our numerology and so she did. In this reading she told me that I would forever endure struggles concerning my scarcity during this lifetime. This message broke me in half. I must have been in my late teen years and I was in a very fragile state. She knew this, but she chose to drop this information anyway.
And as I had already created this gap myself, by putting her on a pedestal,
the impact of this message was devastating.
I cried and stomped off, begging her to stop talking. But it was as if they enjoyed seeing me in despair. I felt so powerless and drenched myself into a state of self-pity. Although she might not have known about my childhood dreams, she wrecked them then and there. After this experience I was convinced that life was always going to treat me poorly. I did not understand, I did not think that I had done anything to deserve such a struggle.
And even though I hated myself, thought myself to be worthless, I always got back up. I kept walking, I kept surviving, hoping for better days. Apparently, I had more matchsticks than the matchstick girl. Because I am still here, still experiencing scarcity.
But one thing changed and I did not even anticipate it. My mindset.
In the past weeks my whole life has crumbled down before me. I lost my home, my partner, my animals, my mother and siblings. And you know what I have found? Freedom. Whilst I was seeking stability and wealth, I found freedom within. I found freedom in letting go. Letting go of a narrative where people want to control me. I let go because I gained self-awareness. Finally I could see my own strength, I understood that I could let go of all the people that did not wish for me what I wish for them. Today I am writing you from my richest mindset ever.
Even though I have nothing to show for it, I feel like my chains have finally broken.
I am no longer comparing myself to people with money because I understand and sense their unhappiness. I am no longer unhappy about stability, because I have all that I need right now. For the first time in my life, I am free of programming. I feel so much better. And as I am going through this chaotic phase in life, I am receiving so much inspiration.
Every standalone event suddenly appears within its pattern and I can’t stop thinking. Were these other people aware of the effect they had on me? I honestly don’t know. Maybe they were. Maybe they weren’t. But I have come to realize that understanding their intentions is far less important than understanding my own patterns. Because I am now realizing my strength and my abilities after distancing myself from the people who were holding me back. And it leaves me to think, who are these people and what did they want for me?
I want to see the good in people and I want to believe it was not their intent.
But how then do you explain the fact that they kept doing this to me until the moment I decided to remove myself from them? I do not have these answers and it is best to focus on yourself. And the one thing I can tell you is that I feel better than ever.
Whenever I was around these people, it cost me energy. I always suffered in silence and killed every situation with kindness, until I had no more energy left. And so, I left. I chose me. For the first time in my life I chose to completely trust myself and my intuition as opposed to trusting people who had self-proclaimed authority over me.
So here I am, ready to receive my abundance that was kept from me.
Maybe a state of freedom was needed. Maybe God (or whatever you like to call it) did not want me to obtain money when being surrounded by people who did not want it for me. Maybe God knew that I was too kind, that I would share my all with narcissists, never seeing my own potential.
So this is my new timeline and I am curious as to what will shift.
When it comes to this, I do not have the answers. All I can do is wait it out, see where it leads.
Maybe abundance was never waiting for me on the other side of my bank account.
Perhaps it is patiently waiting on the other side of freedom.
This text is an open reflection.
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“She lighted another match.”
