This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
For most of my life I have focused on the blame that I had placed upon my father. He was the villain in my story for a long time. And he was an obvious villain, his acts were visible in our house, visible on our bodies and haunting my mind. I spent years trying to forgive this man. How do you forgive someone that hurt you when you were young, weak and innocent?
But in the end I did forgive him. My forgiveness came from a point of understanding. After therapy and other insights gained I saw that he was only human. I felt that there was a part of him inside me, especially during my darker days and I started to recognize that part in me. Of course I chose a different direction than him, but I could feel his hurt inside me and it felt like I was battling his demons so to say.
I forgave him for myself. I forgave him due to the thought that everything seems to happen for a reason and that meant that I needed to see all this in order to move forward.
And after I forgave him, I felt lighter and I was ready to move on. But life never changed. I forgave the one person that hurt me the most but there was nothing different lying on the other side of this acceptance. I kept trying to step forward but it felt like my life was bound by chains. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much effort I put into moving forward, my life felt fenced in.
For years I have read and studied psychology, philosophy, spirituality and all other things that excite me. And one thing I found was that people are meant to balance their feminine and masculine side. I did not quite understand what this really meant. Until the past weeks, when a revelation hit my mind. For the first time in my life, I started to observe my mother’s behavior towards me.
Blaming my father for the longest time without any profitable outcome, led me to think that maybe there were two sides to this story. Maybe I had suffered two traumas. And because I was only focused on one side of the coin, my journey never instigated real change.
Was my father really a harmful person or
can I also partially place some responsibility on my mother’s behavior?
It opened a floodgate of thoughts that I cannot share with you. It is just too personal. I have loved and loved my mom so dearly all throughout my life. But over time I started recognizing patterns that I had never allowed myself to see. And this realization has shattered the image that I had of her for a long time. Looking back, I see her actively pushing me in the wrong direction.
What if Iam not like my mother? What if I am like my father? And what if we were both seeing the same story but from opposite sides? Right now, I am only discovering these new truths. And they have hit hard. I had to leave my mother behind.
I had to choose distance over confusion.
As I am writing this to you, I have no more sense of belonging. My whole world feels like one big cosmic joke where the people that were supposed to support and uplift me, were actually the people that were viciously trying to bring me down. And why? Was I not kind to you? Was I not offering my help? These are questions that I cannot answer. But one thing that has become very apparent is why this manipulation dynamic played such a great role in my life.
How are you supposed to cut manipulators off if it is all that you have ever known? What if your parents were your greatest manipulators and thereby engraved a belief deep inside of you that every single person you meet in life will treat you poorly?
I have sat with this feeling for over a week, distrusting every person that was in my life. And even though I do not know how to take comfort in knowing yet, I have decided to keep stepping forward. I am learning to trust people again, one after another. Because I have made real connections and I should not doubt them. My veil of confusion is lifted and I am ready to discern between my people and the rest.
But how do you discern a safe person when unsafe love is all you have ever known?
For the longest time I have judged people from my own perspective, and I have found that it is a dangerous position. Because one thing I have learned is that I am nothing like these people. I am kind to you because I actually love you. I will do things for you, because I love you. I am not playing games in order to receive something or someone that I want. I don’t care about these things. I care about your wellbeing. I care about my wellbeing.
So now I am looking for people who share my heart-story. People who have seen me, even when I was defeated. People who are there for me, even when the world thinks I am an idiot to be played with. People who share their time, energy and attention. People who wish well for me as I wish for them.
And ever since I have left every single backstabber behind, I have found myself to cross paths with good people. Just a week ago I was standing alone in the city center, ready to break down in tears, because there was no one that I could trust. But a name landed in my mind and I decided to move forward with discernment, and trust. And I was right to trust this feeling, because when I called this person, he was there for me. No questions asked, listening to what I had to say. Comforting me after a devastating heartbreak.
Kind people had always been there —
I simply couldn’t recognize them during a period of survival.
And whilst I moved forward in trust, I noticed the difference in feeling in my own body. Almost instantly I felt better. I was able to just leave the house according to plans and I no longer felt held down. So even if people right now think that I am moving in the shadows, it is time for them to understand that this is the best place for me to see other people’s light. They have thrown me into the abyss, but it backfired. I am growing and thriving every day. Not a dollar in my pocket and still, not a care in the world.
Mom, I forgive you. I forgive you, because I needed you to get to where I am. Thanks to you, I am free. I am healthy. I am in good spirits. I attract my mirrors. Finally I have rid myself of confining energy and I am ready to soar.
I am ready to meet my peers.
I am ready to experience a world where I no longer feel forced to compete with other people.
A world where we can all reach our highest potential and help each other become who we are truly meant to be.
This text is an open reflection.
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“He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.”
