This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Honestly, somewhere in the spiritual realms I must have gotten my masonry degree, because I have died a hundred times and right now I am rebuilding. Again. The thing that people tend to forget when they are around me is that houses are built on foundations. You can break down all my walls, but my foundation is still standing.
One of the first public humiliations that I consciously experienced happened during my early teen years. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was surrounded by a group of my peers and under vicious attack from someone who had been my best friend since first grade in primary school.
I don’t even remember what was said, but I can still feel and smell the bullshit.
I did not know how to handle this situation so the only thing left for me to do was walk away. And so the friendship faded. But in came another person, carrying the same energy. This person posed as my friend whilst she was forever pressuring me to use drugs. For reasons unknown to me, these types of situations always ended up with me being questioned, me being thought mentally ill and so on.
The shitty thing here is that I did not know any better. I started to believe them. Many of my friends manipulated me and for decades I let them. I accepted that they would probably try to manipulate me because I didn’t yet understand what manipulation looked like. Mind you, she remained my friend until I was in my thirties. Over time I became oblivious to the manipulation.
I silenced my intuition and retreated into naivety.
As a people person and someone who grew up with six siblings, I liked being surrounded by people. In hindsight I felt lonely and misunderstood. I guess I just wanted to be seen. But most never did see me. And many more came and tried to murder my character. When I was halfway through my teenage years my (then) best friend started robbing me and when I found out, there were stacks of my belongings tucked away behind her clothes.
I have been shocked by people so many times and the strangest thing about it is that every time I just got back up. I dusted myself off and tried again. I expelled people from my life one by one as they showed their true nature.
Never stayed mad, never took revenge.
Now, I am forty-one years of age, and I have reached my limit after recognizing the same dynamic within my own family. After experiencing manipulation for most of my life, my vision is clearer than ever. I know who I am and I have no trouble sleeping at night. I have left everyone behind who reinforced this narrative and I am free.
I am free and all I have to show for it is my pride.
I am proud of always remaining kind. I am proud of always seeking the divine instead of revenge. I am proud of every step I took with adversaries lurking in the shadows. And it is because I kept taking these steps that I am writing to you today. Because when they were focused on tearing down my walls, I was fortifying my foundations.
I have been building and rebuilding my walls since 1985 and I can promise you this: my foundations are strong.
This time, I’m building for me, and honestly, I can’t wait to see – what comes next.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; it’s the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time.”
