This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Sometimes things happen so fast that you can barely understand what was actually going on. For me a situation like this occurred not so long ago. It was an outburst between people who were supposed to love each other. And love itself is at the heart of this outburst.
For some people love can mean something like ‘being kind’, ‘being available’, ‘being obedient’ and so on. For others love can be more about a sense of control. Instead of connection, they crave competition. And instead of offering kindness, they seem to be more focused on playing games.
Confusion creates dependence and they have mistaken dependency for love.
And whilst they are playing games with your heart, they are directing your energy to other places. Places that do not benefit you. So instead of feeling love circling back to you, you are left feeling drained. Depleted of your energy and unable to change the situation because of it.
And all the while they have underestimated you. They have mistaken your kindness for dumbness, your lack of action for an inability to change and your silence for helplessness. Because whilst they are busy playing with you, you are categorizing and archiving all the hurt inside of you.
You are not playing dumb, you are building your court case, where every interaction becomes evidence. Because when these situations stack up in our minds, they create a pattern. And the truth about patterns is that there is truth behind a pattern.
What I mean to say is that single actions or incidents can be brushed off easily, whereas a pattern demonstrates a larger truth that can no longer be denied.
We were not dismissing, we were contemplating. We were not caged, we were preparing. And when the moment comes that you see a pattern of behavior for what it really is, there is no going back. Because love is found within, before it is found without. And it leaves you with only one option in any case of (mental) abuse.
You. You are the only option in this narrative. If you do not choose you, you will be played. And it can continue on for longer than you can withstand. Your mind will get tired from all the confusion. Your body will grow tired from being in a constant state of fight or flight, and it will have stored so many signals that all point to the same pattern, that it is now beyond dispute. And you will notice it in your outer world.
Glass and other objects will break, random things around the house. And then, your body will break, forcing you to stop. Pressuring you into a state of contemplation.
Because all you need to leave a toxic pattern is a decision.
I have waited for over a year, hoping for an opportunity to escape this narrative, but it never came. Until glass started breaking. Until I experienced severe bruising in different parts of my body. It was all guiding me to a pattern, to a truth. And I chose. Me. I chose me, even though I had zero alternatives.
And here I am, still confused, but a veil has been lifted. Because the truth behind this pattern seems to be: nobody can choose you before you have chosen yourself.
Choose you — so that others can choose you, too.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“To understand is to perceive patterns.”
