This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
We were taught to love and chase money in order to find fulfillment. In the old days money was backed by gold, but at the present moment, money is nothing more than dead trees. We are worshipping printed paper and I have been looking all around, but none of this paper seems to make anybody happy. So what is it that we want from life and why do we agree upon this nonsense?
Lately I have discovered a hidden currency worth more than paper or gold. It is called energy. After chasing my own energy for over a decade I can assure you that it is worth your time. What I have found is that each and every time that you chase your own energy to the point of a natural high, people around you will attack it. It is the most feared force on this planet.
I have been chased, harassed, threatened and smeared by people who were afraid of my energy.
I know this to be true because right now, energy is all I have. And still I am being chased all around. I have been in hiding now for over two weeks and still people are texting me to discover my location. Mind you, when I moved house to another country, no one ever bothered to ask me where I was. They did not ask me because I was with someone willing to inform them. Now they are only asking me, because they have no more insiders in my private space.
I am all alone right now and I feel more powerful than ever. People have been playing these games with me for a long time, but they were so focused on themselves that they never even noticed that I changed along the way. The narrative they’re upholding died a long time ago, in silence. And even though I told people exactly who I was, they never did seem to listen. I told them that I was no longer interested in opinions, mine or theirs, and still they thought I valued theirs.
Just because I make you feel heard does not mean
that I trust you or that I will implement or value your bullshit.
And then there were people telling me to focus on myself. Well, I did. I focused everything on me, in silence. The thing is, I love me more than you love you and that appears to be a hard concept for you to swallow. Can you imagine someone loving themselves even if they have nothing to show for it? Well, take a good look, because this person is me. When I was younger I tried to push people up, I tried to help and guide each and every one around me. But they never listened. They tried to silence me for whatever bullshit opinion they were forcing on me. And I listened but that is also where it ends. It ends there because I do not believe you. I believe in God. I am intrinsically led and I do not seek anyone’s approval. It must be scary to you, since you’re now stalking me. Either way, when I noticed that nobody was ever going to change, I changed myself. In silence. All this trying to save other people was draining me and at one point in time, after seeing that nobody around me ever really supported me, I decided to become my own best friend.
Instead of fostering other peoples’ energy, I started nurturing my own.
This decision was guided by experience. I had experienced many dark days and encounters with the devil so to speak and it taught me that there was no stimulation there for me. I felt depleted, rushing, always looking for something. And I no longer wanted to feel that way. Not even if all the people around me acted as if it was normal to feel this way. I had better plans for me. I started raising my energy with each decision that I made. In silence. Because I was doing it for me and no one else.
The thing with me is that I see peoples’ highest potential and treat them accordingly,
until they repeatedly show me their worst potential.
That is the moment when I clock out. The moment I leave you, without an explanation. Because I am an honest person and I have already told you many times over who I am and what I am about to do. I am about to leave you when you return to me yet again portraying the same bullshit behavior. I don’t need to explain myself to you because my self-worth is not dependent on you. I can just walk away, because I have watched you prove to me over and over again that you are not worth my time.
Many people saw me as a gullible person, but it never occurred to them that I might follow a different strategy entirely. What might have seemed like naïve behavior to you was actually me not giving a f*ck whether or not you win an argument about opinions. I am playing a different game, with different rules. My rules are stated in the Bible, my truth is guided from within.
Where you might be looking for answers outside yourself,
I’m conversing with God internally and following my purpose.
I’m doing things for me, even if it looks like I’m doing things for you. So while you were trying to win arguments, I was studying toxic relationship patterns. I look bullshit and pain dead in the eye only to alchemize it for my own gain. I am an alchemist of hurt and all I ever wanted was to teach the people around me. But they didn’t want anything for themselves. They’re okay with living their lives in debt and fear. They would rather be afraid under the approval of others than happy by themselves.
And that is exactly where you and I are different.
I am not afraid of leaving the world behind me.
I am not afraid of being alone. Because God is my best friend and He or She is always with me. Making me laugh, making me cry, making me remember who I am. And through this path with God I have found myself and regained my own energy. I have rid myself of all people who dim my light. I have lost all my belongings, my animals, my partner and my family and yet every morning I have no problem getting out of bed.
I feel free and it has raised my energy. And now, I am being chased. Because many people surrounding me got used to feeding off my energy and I took it away from them. Now ‘my closest friends’ are more eager than ever to find out where I’m at. The ones that never called me during my deepest hours are all texting me to discover my location. Well, guess what? I’m hidden in plain sight, because God keeps me in his pocket. Just like me, he has seen the worst in you and he is protecting me from it.
Because I kept my faith and I kept shining my light and it is all that I will ever do.
I have enough confirmation to know that I am of great value. I attract animals, children and strangers tell me their stories. Because I feel safe. I never understood this because I was always around people who tried to make me feel unsafe. Now that I am completely isolated, I feel safer than ever. Because I have built up my energy step by step and it has led me to heaven. It has led me to trust God so much that I would leave everyone behind.
Everybody around me knew of my struggles. They saw me working hard. They saw me fighting battles that were cloaked by their witchcraft. They knew I felt drained and depleted every day. And they never offered help. Nobody ever offered me shit. It is as if they liked to see me suffer. And that’s okay. If you feel comfortable where you’re at, please stay. But I have left. I am no longer the same person. I am now the person that guards her energy because I understand its value.
You will too, someday soon. And I will no longer be available for you. I have seen and studied all behavior around me and there is no coming back for you. Because my setbacks are not setting me back at all. I look them in the eye, study them, and alchemize them to propel me forward. And it is exactly what I am doing now. Each and every conversation I had with you taught me something.
I am propelling myself forward and your bullshit behavior is my fuel.
I’m sorry if I love me more than you love you. I tried to help you, but you would not let me. So I did it all for me. My energy is worth more than gold and definitely more than paper. I now guard access to it because I finally understand the nature of this force. Because I have witnessed, time and time again, what happens when I give access to people who have not earned it.
Money buys comfort.
Energy creates life.
Energy creates freedom.
Watch me rise.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'”
