This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
In the past couple of weeks my whole world crumbled. Everything fake faltered the moment I saw it for what it was. I was in complete shock for a little while, but at the same time it struck me how easily I got back up on my feet. It was easy for me to pull myself back together, even without any prospect for my future. It was easy because I have done it a thousand times over.
Ever since I was a little child my family programmed me to believe that I am a nobody.
According to my family I am just a regular person, or even worse, less than them. And they always made a point for me to experience this feeling of being inadequate. I loved my family so much that it never really bothered me. I dusted myself off each and every time out of love for them.
I can’t even begin to tell you the nasty things they said and did to me, but I remember all of it now that it has formed a pattern within my mind. These people actively tried to hurt me, over and over again. They always made sure that I came out on the bottom. I believed them because I loved them and so I looked up to them. As written before in ‘The Gap’, this created the killing fields for manipulation.
And boy did they manipulate me.
Looking back it was apparent that my father portrayed the ‘bad guy’ whilst my mother seemed ‘the good guy’. However, I came to realize that both of them caused me profound harm, each in their own way. My mother, who was constantly acting dumb, created utter confusion in my mind. I loved her and she seemed kind, but at the same time my feelings and emotions never matched my personality. And even though it seemed that she was kind, she was ice cold. She never said ‘I love you’ and she never gave me a hug. She never asked me how I felt, she never actually seemed to care.
Later in life she did say these things, but I noticed it was just a copy of my own behavior towards her. It wasn’t heartfelt, it was never genuine. And whilst my father did say all these things, he was wrecking our house at the same time. It was a period of drought in my life, decades of confusion. I was under constant attack and nothing ever seemed to make sense to me.
And so I kept on loving them, kept on wishing well for them.
Over the years I experienced my fair share of depressions. I did not understand why everyone seemed to hate me so much and why I started hating myself too. I did not understand why I was always the one left out. And it did not end with my family. I noticed it everywhere I went. I always treated my world with a smile but few people truly smiled back at me. I became a target, wherever I went. Ever since primary school people accused me of all sorts of things that I could not even conjure up in my mind if I wanted to. Why? Because I am kind, I would never think to accuse anyone of something they did not do. But they did it all to me.
In eighth grade I was accused of slicing open someone’s bicycle wheel with a knife. I was pulled into a room full of teachers (adults!) that were threatening me to confess or else I would not be allowed to participate in school camp that year. Mind you, this girl that accused me was bullied by others whilst I was everyone’s friend.
I was always nice to her and she ripped my heart out by falsely accusing me.
I can go on and on, but this piece is not written for the past. It is written for the present. It all comes down to the fact that 90% of the people surrounding me wanted to ‘cast me out’. And it is an interesting play on words, because casting someone out unwillingly made me think of witchcraft. And witchcraft seems nothing more than a fancy word for manipulation combined with esoteric knowledge to create an even greater confusion.
What if these people were actually performing witchcraft on me? What if all the confusion I experienced was kept in place with spellcasting? It does not matter whether you believe it or not, but I believe that I was sold out. I was sold out because I was feared. Not for being average, but for being someone entirely else than them. Because I posed a threat to the unhealthy family system. Of course I did not know all this back then as it was actively kept from me, but I remember now.
I remember who I am and what I am capable of
and it is the reason I’m sharing this today.
Nothing ever made sense to me, until I started to ask God ‘who I am’. I asked Him over and over again and information slowly started to enter my consciousness. And today I will tell you all about it. I remember now that I am the archetype of Chiron, the wounded healer. Always there for everyone whilst suffering in silence. Mary Magdalene became an archetype through which I started understanding my own journey, a suppressed woman sitting on a mountain of wisdom. The Book of Job landed in my consciousness as a reminder that God tests his most faithful children. I remember now that I have a direct connection with God, who is sharing all this knowledge with me now that I regained my trust in the most high.
And over time my special powers became evident.
Everything that I was condemned for led me to these truths. I was never too sensitive, I simply wasn’t aware. I was never stupid, I was forever silenced by my surroundings. I was never ugly, we are all beautiful. I was never too much, they simply could not handle me. And that is a funny play on words as well, since my family were my biggest handlers. And they tried to handle me for a long time. In fact, I can assure you, they are still trying up until this day.
Even with all the witchcraft they did to me, I am still standing. One of my greatest powers is that I can now discern truth from manipulation. My back is straight, my crown is invisible. Seemingly normal, but nothing ordinary about me. I have found my truth within and have been testing it in my reality for a while now. My biggest super power is that I can see right through all the bullshit. It used to be my biggest disadvantage, leading to confusion and manipulation, but now that I see it clearly, I know how to work with it. Ever since I started trusting myself, their curtains fell.
I am the most empathetic person I know and
I am right now thinking that they have always known.
They knew I would feel their stress, they knew I would fear life if they created chaos within the household. They attacked my empathy over and over and abused me for it. They thrived whilst I was shrinking. Their behavior left me exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from who I truly was. And that is another superpower of mine. My empathy and my ability to find peace within.
Even after forty years of manipulation, I can just walk out of the door and feel happy all by myself. And they f*cking hate me for it. I no longer care for their feelings as they have betrayed mine for such a long time. Oh my, how the tables have turned for them. They overestimated themselves. Because over time I saw how big their web really was. It wasn’t confined to familiar spaces, the abuse happened everywhere I went. The further I stepped away, the more I noticed the same patterns repeating through different people.
It sometimes felt as though I was being pulled back into the same role over and over again,
no matter where I went.
And I did find their spell work, I actually have it on paper. Among the papers I found were writings that, to me, appeared to wish harm upon me, including a car accident. Not long afterwards, one actually happened. Whether others see a connection or not, I cannot ignore how deeply that coincidence affected me. Even though I was 2000 kilometers away, some mini-truck drove into our car on the highway. It was eerily scary but the worst thing I remember about it was my partner’s face when it happened. He was smiling behind the wheel like it was all some sort of game. I was terrified and he did not seem to care one single bit.
It forced me to question my relationship in ways I never had before.
I confronted him, but he acted dumb as was to be expected. When I confronted my mother about the witchcraft going on in our house, she acted dumb too. When I left her I told her that it was not too late for her, that she could join me and we could both head for lighter territory. She looked at me with vacant eyes and said something like ‘I’m old anyway Mickey, I will die’.
She was never going to choose me, choose the good side, because all evil directed at me was probably coming from her. That realization hit me after this incident and it never left. Whatever path my mother chose, it repeatedly came at the expense of her own child. That realization broke my heart more than anything else. And it makes me wonder if I even am her child. I have looked into information on cults many times over and the only conclusion left for me to name is that I feel that my mother has sold me out.
And I cannot escape this feeling that I was sold out. Time and time again, I found myself being sacrificed whenever it benefited someone else. How do I know all this you might ask? Well, I know because I left. I pulled myself out of this situation up to the point where I am completely hidden from them. And I feel good now. I feel great, better than ever. I feel inspired. I feel active. I feel knowledgeable. I feel free. And all the while I am writing and trying to get my life back together, all I hear from them is them trying to manipulate other people.
They are trying to disrupt other peoples’ energy because they lost access to mine.
And it is showing. People seem to look older ever since I pushed their nasty character out of my life. They are losing their glow as I have taken mine back. The proof is in the pudding. Now they’re trying to threaten and manipulate someone else, but their antics are getting too predictable. We are remembering who we are and there is no coming back for them. I still wish well for them. I honestly do. I want them to search happiness within, I hoped that me leaving would ignite their path. But it didn’t, it just made their horrible path more obvious.
So here I am, remembering who the f*ck I am.
I am Marie Christine Catherine Justine. I am Mic-key and I hold the key. I hold the key to stop this intergenerational madness that is playing out in peoples’ lives. And I am stopping it for them. I am stopping it for us all. I am still doing this out of love. My biggest wish is for them all to wake up to their fears and traumas. For them to love themselves like I have silently learned to love myself. But karma is a real thing and I cannot stop it for them.
All that is left for me to say to them is: be strong. Be strong, like I had to be. Because if everything they sent me is heading back for them, I will pray for them. I will pray for them because I know what it feels like to be betrayed over and over again without justified cause. I will pray for them because I love them still. I will pray for them because I know that we can all win. We can all shine. But no longer do I feel responsible for them.
And I will end with my last super power. I am here to bring darkness to light. I am here to share ugly truths from a loving heart. I am here to lead our ways out of the darkness of manipulation and into the loving age of Aquarius.
They f*cked around and now they will find out.
Remember who you are. Do it for you. Do it for me. Do it for humanity.
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”
