This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Since forever I have experienced immense loneliness and it started somewhere. Looking back, my early teens were the most horrific years of my life. Every teen experiences waves of emotions, but mine were accompanied by external chaos and confusion. I was living in a house full of people. At one point there were eleven of us cramped up in one house. I even had to share my bedroom with a stranger. It was a friend of my sister and he sought refuge at our place.
I liked him as a brother and we connected well, we are still friends. But it is weird sharing your room when you have to go to school in the morning and the other person is just returning home after a night out. They were frightening times as my inner and outer worlds at the time were not matching at all. On the outside I was kind, joyous and helpful, but on the inside I was experiencing complete terror.
It was the time where my mind became covered in darkness and my thoughts were rapidly deteriorating.
I remember when I was still in primary school, I used to love going there. I was an intelligent and curious child and I loved education. But when my mind was covered in darkness, I no longer cared for any of it. I started skipping school, all for the purpose of staying in bed. I would literally lie in my bed the whole day. I would not come out, my whole life played out inside my mind.
It was a very lonely time and nobody around me even seemed to notice.
In the morning I would lie to my mother and tell her that I had the first hour off and she would head out to work. I would drag my schoolbag into my loft bed where it could not be seen from the doorway. And I would just lay there, in complete silence, with a world of thoughts running through my mind. I no longer cared for anything external and whatever people witnessed of me, it was all a performance. When I would hear my mother coming back from work and starting to prepare dinner in the kitchen, I would secretly get myself out of bed and join them downstairs as if everything was normal.
Mind you, this lasted for a full year.
And all this time I suffered from the worst nightmares I have ever experienced in my life, some of them returning to haunt me on a regular basis. I experienced night terrors, all by myself and at times I felt held down with chains. At the end of this year we were summoned to my school to speak about my absence and the teacher jokingly unwrapped a meters-long scroll as if it was my absence list. The teacher told me I would be able to remain in school but I would have to start the year over and I would have to sign a document stating that I would no longer be absent from classes.
But I did not want to do it. I wanted to switch schools. By that time my energy had drained and my school was nowhere near my house. It seemed more feasible to start at a new school, closer to home. But my mother did not want me to switch schools. She liked the image of me attending a sophisticated institution as opposed to the ‘regular’ high school that my siblings attended. But I was adamant about it, I wanted to leave. This discussion lasted all summer and when she finally caved and I did switch schools, I started the year without books because the discussion had outlasted the timeframe.
Back then I did not know how to classify my state of mind
and I did not think twice to tell anyone about my inner world.
Besides, who would listen to me? Today, I have my own understanding of what happened to me. And so I can tell you now that I was under witchcraft. My energy was harvested for the benefit of everyone else around me. I faced so many demons, all by myself, and it is a miraculous thing that I survived this period. Today, I am writing this for this old version of me.
This little teenage girl that suffered in silence.
This little girl that was seen by no one.
This little girl that was neglected and at the same time drained from her life force energy. I feel so sorry for her, that she had to endure it. Whilst there were violent wars playing out inside her mind, the rest of the children’s lives were blooming. Everything crumbled, one by one, only for me to pick it up after. And not once did my mother ask me what was going on. Not once did she even notice that there was something strange going on.
Now I know it is because she was behind all of this. She was the one draining me, she was the one who never cared. Nobody asked me how I was doing. Nobody asked me why I did not go to school. I never even saw a doctor. I never even had to explain my behavior to anyone. And it is striking, because it sets another very confusing tone within someone’s mind. Because it did not make sense to me then and it sure as hell does not make sense to me now. If I lose sight of an animal for more than five minutes, I will be out there looking for it. How come nobody ever came to look for me? How come nobody was bothered with the fact that I was no longer attending my classical school?
How come nobody was bothered that I let my life slip through the drain?
I cannot answer you these questions, because I am nothing like these people. But since nobody ever cared, now is the time for me to address this little girl myself.
Mickey, I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this by yourself. Surrounded by so many people who did not see you at all. I’m sorry you experienced terrors in your dreams and I’m sorry that you were chained to your bed with invisible shackles. I’m sorry that you missed out on what should have been a joyous time period. I’m sorry you had to endure the shame of not making it to the next year because you were attacked by your own family.
I’m sorry that I forgot about your hardships
and I never came back to apologize, to hold you and to comfort you.
Because it is thanks to you that I made it through. You were the first of my characters to endure the satanic ways of my family and if you had given up back then, we would not have made it out. It was your strong backbone, your ability to move through shame and mockery without ever seeming to be bothered, that got us back on our feet time and time again. You started this battle with no prior knowledge, no help, no comfort. And you made your way through against all expectations.
And you had big dreams, of being independent and able to provide.
Yet here we are, so many years later and I have not followed through. I have only just taken up this task again and I am realizing that I had been the one forsaking you all along. I am sorry. I am sorry I forgot about our dreams and I left you behind, somewhere in my own mind. I am ready to open this drawer and fulfill your wishes by any means possible. And I will continue on this path that you started. Because you were the first one to show me mercy. The first to keep waking up and trying again even after all the humiliation, all the loneliness and all the confusion. I am proud of you Mickey and I hope you can forgive me.
You are forever in my heart.
Marie Christine
This text is an open reflection.
More guided, integrative essays are gathered in my paid essay series on Ko-fi.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
