This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
Anyone who has known me in the past knows that I can be ruthless. And it is usually when people least expect it. The thing is, I judge everyone based on their highest potential. So I will be kind to you, even when you have wronged me. And I will remain that way until a pattern is visible. A pattern where someone continuously provokes my kindness and mistakes it for weakness.
Once I have gathered enough proof of someone else’s character,
I will ruthlessly expel them from my life.
By that time, the opportunity for an explanation is long gone. I just cut all ties and move on. And I can imagine that when it happens, it seems harsh to the other party, but it rarely is. You see, a lot has happened beforehand. I am speaking about people who have continuously pushed my boundaries, tested my kindness and rejected my offered guidance. You see, I will never leave a person behind who shows me their growth, their interest and their integrity.
I only leave people behind who nod to my face but act in a completely different manner.
I watch them betray me over and over, and give them the benefit of the doubt because I see their potential. But when they repeatedly demonstrate unchanged behavior, something inside me just snaps. And when it does, I’m out. Because it means that they were playing games with me. And whilst they were doing that, they created a narrative of me in their minds. One where I can be pushed to the limits and still offer kindness after.
But I only offer my kindness in hopes of change.
In this narrative that these people made up in their own minds, I am the kind of person that needs them. I am the kind of person that comes back after they have betrayed me. But they were judging me all wrong. I do not need them at all. I do not need them because my happiness does not depend on them. My happiness is found inside me and in nature. I can literally feel sick around certain people and when I walk away, I immediately feel better. If that isn’t a strong sign then I don’t know.
The bottom line here is that the other party is actively testing me.
They are testing my character and judging me based upon their games, whilst I am demonstrating reactive behavior. They are active. I am reactive. There is a difference. I am a kind person and it is all I will ever show you, unless you push and force me into a reaction. And yes, this reaction of mine can seem very cruel to you, but it is only because you are holding on to a fictional narrative about me in your mind.
I am not a pushover.
I am not weak.
I am not intimidated by your behavior.
I am studying you. I am studying you, because I am on a path to better understand myself. And in order to understand myself, I study myself and my relationships. I am kind after the first couple of betrayals, because I have hope inside me that you have an intrinsic desire to better yourself, like me. But when it seems that you do not, well, you know how this ends.
Bye bye. See you never again.
I am not responsible for other people who cannot and will not
take accountability for their own behavior.
As I will do for mine. Yes, I have said harsh things in the past, but everything is always coming from a place of wishing you well. I wish for you to better understand yourself and this is what I am mirroring to you. If it seems ugly, then maybe it is time to evaluate your own behavior towards me. Take accountability. Study yourself and others and become better. If you do not, chances are you will start believing the voices inside your mind.
And you will say it was all my fault. Because you like to win. But I am not even joining in this self-proclaimed competition of yours. I am playing a whole other ballgame. One where I am choosing me, time after time. And yes, sometimes it looks like I am choosing you, but it is only up to the point where you show me that you never will. I am a realistic person. I do not seek perfection. But I do seek awareness. And it shows when people are unaware. They say and do the exact same things.
I have lived through this pattern so many times and I know exactly what you are saying.
I am not your family.
I am not your sister.
We are not best friends.
I am witnessing all these people saying these same things to me
and in the back of my mind I am laughing at their manipulation attempts.
And if you live anywhere close to me, chances are you have heard them say all these things about me. I am a narcissist, I am into witchcraft, I am this and I am that. But I don’t care what you heard. Go hear it again. Like I said, I am not joining this competition. Ever. Because I rely on a different truth entirely. In my narrative we can all be winners. In my narrative we can support each other.
And I have tried supporting other people until I felt completely drained.
I would not mind living in a world where all the people around me are successful and I am not. That is how much love I have in me. But after rooting for everyone else’s success for decades, they have shown themselves to be unworthy. They are still not successful at all. They seem to be unhappy people who wish for me and you to be equally unhappy. Because it is all they have ever known.
So yeah, I finally stepped out of this narrative
and went looking for my own success.
And whenever people dare to leave a system built on lies, slander is usually what follows. So I would not be surprised if you hear all sorts of things about me. I do not feel the need to defend myself, simply because I am not in competition. I am only trying to live my life to my full potential. And it seems that I have some skills to accompany me in this venture. One of them is writing about pattern recognition as you well know.
Here I am, judging people on their actions,
when all around me people are judging me based on what other people are saying.
Maybe it is time to evaluate a little more closely. What are these people who are speaking badly about me doing with their lives? Are they showing conscious behavior? Are they productive? Can they express coherent thinking? Can you have a conversation with them that does not include speaking about other people? Are they constantly checking you out to see whether or not you still believe in their narrative?
Whatever be the case, I do not mind.
Because I do not want people in my life who cannot even distinguish narratives from truth.
I’m sorry but I have moved way past this. I have zero f*cks to give. Because I like deep conversations about the divine, the universe, philosophy and true history. And if this is a level you are not at, then I have no interest. I want to move on, I want to grow. I want to reach success in alignment with the divine. I am no longer the person that I was yesterday. So anything you hear people say about me is actually concerning a personality that no longer exists. I have died a hundred times and I will probably die another time today. Because we are supposed to shed light on ourselves in order to shed our skin.
Believe what you will. As will I.
And I will continue to demonstrate reactive behavior towards people who actively play games with me.
I am not sorry. I am aware. And I’m out.
This text is an open reflection.
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