This text is part of my ongoing reflection on self-awareness, emotional patterns, and conscious growth.
For over a decade, I have been searching for peace of mind. By following this path, over time, I have lost nearly everything and everyone around me. First, I lost my sanity. It led me down the psychological path of ‘recovery’ through means of medication and group therapy. But I did not recover. Medication just brought new symptoms and whilst group therapy gave me tools, it never redeemed me.
Over the years I kept trying to live accordingly, but stress and fear still filled up my days. Then came a point where I found that the people around me were influencing my mood and I started expelling people from my life. Each and every time someone overstepped my boundaries, I would say goodbye and leave them behind.
And even after losing so many people, I did not find peace of mind.
It became clear to me that I needed a different approach. And thus I dived into spirituality. I started reading books about demons, secret societies and the path to alignment. I implemented whatever information that triggered me and still I found no peace of mind. Then the COVID days came along and my whole life changed. I moved countries and found a new love. I felt on top of the world and my energy was definitely on the rise.
Alas, it did not last long. After the first years of this relationship, the stress and overall feelings of fear returned intensely. I found myself, again, surrounded by people who were pushing me to overstep my boundaries. As you know me, I left these people behind but it was a work in progress. One by one I kept losing people and with it parts of my sanity.
It felt like I had lost grip of my path,
I constantly felt overwhelmed by life.
My energy was running dangerously low to the point where I left my partner behind. It was a very difficult decision for me, because we had animals. I had to leave them behind too because I had no resources for this breakup. I left with minus one thousand euros in my account and shaky legs. Besides, my partner played a controlling game and thus everything we possessed was placed under my name. It was all to keep me trapped. Either way, I left and broke free from the control.
When I left I felt fortunate that I still had my childhood home to return to. Upon arriving there my energy immediately started to drop like an avalanche. It was a shocking truth for me. My partner sucked me dry. My family seemed to do the exact same. But I had zero other options. No money, no job, no energy, no place to stay. It was frightening. I did not know what to do. But inside me there was only one truth left.
If I wanted to find peace of mind,
if I wanted to choose me,
I had to leave this place.
And so I left. I left without a single option. Of course I still had some friends that could provide me with a bed for a few days, but a few days are not enough to regain strength after losing everything. I was dealing with grief, I felt like an orphan. I had lost so much. All I owned fit in one suitcase. And because I left in distress, I only brought summer clothes, I did not think any of this through. I felt like a rolling stone and all that was left for me, was to trust in the divine.
I was forced to leave everyone and everything behind and with it I lost something huge.
I lost my fear.
For years on end I would fear almost everything. I would experience fear even during my seemingly ordinary dog walks. I would feel fear for driving a vehicle. I would fear life in general. But I cut through my fear and I kept walking, kept moving towards myself. And at one point, I just lost it. There was simply nothing left to fear.
I focused all my attention on the divine, on trusting that everything will work out for me as long as I kept choosing me. Months before I had purchased an audio by the Abundance Alchemist and it repeatedly programmed me to trust life instead of fearing outcomes. And it was my biggest gain. My partner and my family knew me to be the person that would always come back begging due to this fear inside me. But now I have lost all fear and my begging days are over.
And all that is left is the clarity that I gained through years
and years of studying life, studying me and studying patterns.
Even to this day my partner still thinks I will come back to him if he pressures me. To this day my mother is probably thinking that I will come back begging like a dog. But I feel completely free. I am freed from their bullshit. From their control. From their narratives. You see, these are the type of people who never change and so it must be hard for them to grasp the fact that I did change. Because I did not just lose everything, I lost fear. I lost stress. And I gained the most important thing with it: freedom. I gained clarity through distancing myself from the people that were enforcing a narrative upon me.
A narrative where I am the type of person that fears life. But I have zero f*cks left to give. Because I gained the understanding that whenever you choose yourself, life will meet you halfway. And it has met me there. They are so caught up in their own games that it is hard for them to fathom that other types of people exist too.
They thought they had completely isolated me,
but it never occurred to them that I have built lasting connections on the side.
And these people are here for me. They came through. Honestly, I could cry right now from delight. I feel safe right now. I feel free. And whilst every day I kept searching for peace of mind, one day it just occurred to me that it was already here. I am free. I am motivated. I am disciplined. Every day I chose me. I chose to go outside. I chose to read my Bible. I chose to pray. I chose to spend time with animals. I chose to push myself out of my comfort zone. And there is nobody left around to kick me down on a daily basis.
Nobody is trying to control me right now.
Here I am, enjoying life again. Fearless. Bold. Isolated but free. For the first time in my life I am all alone. And it no longer scares me. I have found that there is an independent version of me. And this version is a happy f*cking camper. Every day I sing. Every day I dance. Every day I look for joy in the littlest things. I quit drinking. I quit smoking weed.
I am completely sober and yet I have never felt so high.
Whenever my emotions do pop up, I welcome them. Because I understand my grief. And it is huge. I had to cut off the people that were dearest to me because they were deliberately hurting me. But people who never change become dumber over time. You see, they are what is called a one-trick-pony. And once you see their game for what it is, there are no surprises left. And boy do I have some surprises for them. Because not only did I lose them, I lost myself. I lost myself and rebuilt a completely new persona. And they do not know this person. They have no f*cking idea.
And whilst they are still trying to get under my skin, they are too stupid to notice that I have shed my skin. They are poking on dead skin. They are trying to hurt someone who no longer exists. I have reached new heights. What is now my ground has become their ceiling.
Their attacks can no longer reach me.
And now they are going around telling other people that I am doing all these things to them. Because they cannot comprehend my change. But I have proof of their wicked ways. And I invite you to search mine, because there is none. All that I have ever done was find a way out of manipulation. All that I have ever done is try to love myself where others could not.
And I have faith, that the truth will outlast any of their lies.
I am in no hurry because I feel comfortable.
I feel comfortable because I have won a war.
A war on my sanity.
Good luck with your endeavors.
Find peace within.
This text is an open reflection.
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